all made up with nowhere to go

So the streams I am watching of Clair Obscur are very close to the end, but I just wanted to note that yesterday the game made me cry twice, on a bank holiday morning, before 11am (I mean, it was my choice to watch it that early).

Large spoilers, imo, beware.

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I know it's not so much commentary on the game, but I did want to note that it did in fact tear my heart from my chest and stomp all over it, and not even in a good way.

So I finally bit the bullet and bought myself some Loop earplugs. I've been whiffling about it for almost a year now, so I finally went and did it.

Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to use them for the specific reason I bought them (work) as, even though they say they should stay in place, I don't want to risk losing them or be told to take them out by my line manager*. But I can at least have them with me for noisy times that aren't work (e.g. social situations/commutes/shopping, etc).

I do find it kind of hilarious that, for someone who is as noisy as I am**, I am SO noise-sensitive, though (and I swear it's getting worse as I get older).

Anyway, I was hoping they'd arrive today, but apparently they're coming tomorrow, so I guess at least I will have the Easter weekend to get used to them?

*Because I work in an environment with food, there's a lot of restrictions on what we are/aren't allowed to wear. I also can't have my nails painted, because they might chip, and that Irks Me Greatly.

**I was frequently told by both parents to shut up/be quiet when I was a child, and friends when I was younger used to note how loud I was, for example.

~

I started playing a solo RPG called Over the Mountain. It is not one of the ones from that bundle I bought the other day, merely a free one I found while noodling around on itch some time later.

It is going to take me forever to finish, assuming I want to finish it. I'm unsure at the moment; every time I put it down, I'm like, ehhhhh, but when I pick it up again, I'm kind of interested. I suppose the world building I am having to do is grating on me a little - it should ease off once I've got all the elements in place, though. I'm not saying it's not a good game; I am just having issues with my writing abilities still.

(Though it is making me think about making zines again, which is good! Because I have yet to finish a single one I've thought of - I think this is where I have imposter syndrome, weirdly. I feel like my offerings aren't good enough and yet the entire point of a zine is that it doesn't need to be polished and shiny. It just needs to exist).

~

Finally, I originally typed out the entire lists for my itch collections, but given the TTRPG list is nearing 150 items at the time of writing, I thought it more pertinent to reduce it to links instead, and you can click on whatever you think may be interesting to you? (assuming you want to, that is)

link to my profile so you can see what I already own
Visual Novels
TTRPGS
TTRPG Resources
Unclassified
Interactive Fiction
Card Games
Game Resources
Point and Click Games
Video Game RPGS

Please let me know if any links are borked, as I am tired and in pain as I write this.

~

GOG.com wishlist:

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~

...And now I'm going to go and sit in bed because I'm tired and I deserve it.

# Parts of town flooded the other day while I was at work, thanks to snow melt and a storm passing over. Thankfully, I was able to make it home okay, but I was worried for a good couple of hours that I wouldn't.

# I finally moved the futon upstairs! \o/ I have swapped it for the wicker chair that was up there and the other rando dining table chair I have (there are two; they do not match). This means there is now more space in the living room and the front bedroom, and I am very happy. All I have to do now is another tip run, and I will be even happier.

# I watched a stationery haul from a website I've never heard of (Journalsay), so of course I had to go and look at it. But I was very good! I didn't actually buy anything! I wanted to, I really did. But I have lots of stickers and stuff, I don't need more! (I do)

So now I think I'm probably going to fall down the journalling video rabbit hole for a while. Possibly.

# And then the other rabbit hole I'm going to get myself in is art dolls. I have wanted to make some for a few years now, but been put off because a lot of the tutorials have specific looks to them. Anyway, tl;dr version is I can make the dolls look however I like, right? That's what makes them mine.

I think also I've been put off because I've tried to make dolls in the past (I have abandoned crocheted ones) and it's not always gone very well. But. I am trying to do the thing of, well, if it doesn't work, I don't have to show anyone!

What kicked this off was seeing one made from scraps of fabric. And oh boy do I have a lot of scraps. So. I'm going to muck about and see where this gets me.

# Finally, I have been thinking about rebooting my ko-fi! I have made next to no effort with it recently and that's frankly quite rubbish! As you probably know, I was very mentally unwell last year while trying to run it, and I know I didn't do a good job, and I think I used starting my job as an excuse to stop updating, even if I didn't realise it at the time.

Well, now I have a handle on my job, and I reckon I could manage monthly updates there at least. And overhaul the shop. I don't know when I will actually do it, possibly in the new year, maybe as late as my birthday. I need to do some research, and relaunching over Xmas seems like a bit of a daft idea. So. Yeah.

# I think that's all I've got for now!

I am just on the last day of another week off work (and I have another one coming up in two weeks' time, lol. I didn't book my holidays at all except my birthday next year, so my manager assigned me these and I ain't complaining. Though I should have taken time off sooner than now, but whatever).

Anyway:

On this Monday just gone, I had my assessment phonecall for the counselling I referred myself for. I liked the lady I spoke to, which was good, since I assume it's her I will be having the sessions with. She said it may be up to two months before we actually get to the counselling, but hopefully it will be sooner. I'm honestly not surprised, waiting lists are what they are, and they're not going to improve any time soon. Luckily, although I've had some bad days this week, I'm not in a terrible place in general, so can probably stick out the wait time.

Then Friday, I was meant to be going to Burnley. Originally with a couple of the ladies I work with, but that didn't pan out, so then on my own. Except I discovered early in the morning that my front door was refusing to lock properly. So I had to call the housing association to send out someone to sort it. Which they did, and luckily it was a really easy fix - it just needed some air and oil to get the lock moving again, as it was gunked up from thirty years of use. So that threw me off somewhat.

I decided - unwisely - to go to Burnley in the afternoon, and not only did my mood crash horrifically, but I caught the bus home with the college students, and that was an unfun time. I should've aimed for the next one instead, but by that point, I just wanted to go home again. But. I did manage to get some birthday presents for my nephew (unsure if he will like them, but what even are 12 year olds into these days?) And I also got myself a full length mirror, because I am feeling (somewhat) better about my physical self, and I want to take pictures of my outfits, even if I never upload them anywhere.

Other than that, I've mostly mooched around, although I lost a couple of days to migraines (thanks no thanks low air pressure). I spent a good chunk of yesterday doing sorting through more of mum's stuff. I now have more space in the front bedroom than ever, and I'm feeling really good about it - there's been times in the past few months where things have felt insurmountable, so I'm glad that's passing, or at least diminished for now. I don't know that I will have that space as a useable workroom by the end of the year, but it definitely feels closer to becoming reality than it did before.

I don't know how to end this entry, so I'm just going to stop here.

I just impulse bought my first ever Fitbit! Argos had one of the older models on special offer, and I'd been eyeing it up a few months ago when one of the lasses I work with bought a different one for her mum for Mother's Day. So I didn't know it was still available (or even available for delivery*). But it was, so I impulse bought it!

Which is hilarious when you consider that, after I'd had my tattoos done, I was considering not wearing a watch at all because it was annoying me. (I tried taking it off one day in work recently, and got really frustrated because it turns out I look at my watch A LOT).

Anyway, as with the Huawei ones that I've had in the past, this one is adequate for what I want it to do, and that's fine for me. I just want a watch that tells me steps and distance, and the time. I don't trust sleep trackers, and I'm not fussed for a heart monitor (although this one will have both those things). Also it would be nice to have a watch that connects to my phone again - my current Huawei one doesn't because the software isn't available for my Pixel, booo.

I did think about getting a more expensive one, but I think the money saved is better spent on something I actually need, rather than something like this, which feels like a frivolity right now.

~

I dyed my hair red again for the first time in YEARS and as soon as I saw myself in the mirror, I was like, "YES! THIS is my hair colour!"

It's not that I begrudge my natural colour (very dark brown, going grey in some places), but a redder toned hair just feels right to me for some reason. So I'm probably going to keep this up going forward. I said to my sister in law the other day that I'm not vain, but I do like dyeing my hair and doing my nails (currently Brisk Blue by Barry M). It makes me happy, you know? And despite what my brain tells me, I do deserve to be happy sometimes.

~

In other news, I downloaded and logged into Pokemon Go for the first time in almost five years. I did this so I could swap mons with my nephew, as he is big into Pokemon at the moment. And also I've been wanting a game to play with him that doesn't require us to be in the same room/building, so this is ideal.

So much has changed since I last played! My village now has two gyms, and a whole load of stops! (There were THREE STOPS in the entire place last time I played, and the nearest gym was the bandstand in town).

Hopefully it won't drain my phone battery as much as it used to, but I'm not planning to play it in the same way as before - I'm legit going to only play when I'm stuck at the bus station, or something. Or maybe if I go out for walks when it's not raining, idk. I get a lot of steps in at work, though, so I should be able to hatch a bunch of stuff? I don't know. I don't even know if it plays in the same way as before. Time to go back to Trainer Tips videos, I guess? (Assuming he's still making them, that is).

~

*Sometimes they'll show you stuff and then when you input your postcode for delivery they're like, "Ah, nope, sorry! You can't have that!" Which is fun! (not)

So, ever since 2020, I have been thinking about redecorating my house. It really freaking needs it for various reasons and it hasn't got done.

About a month or so ago, I was measuring the downstairs hallway to get an idea of how much flooring I would need (I'd like tiles, ideally), and I looked up carpet prices and holy moly is it expensive! So I was like, ugh, really I need to make lots of money before I can even think about doing a tiny part of the house. And my house isn't massive - it's essentially a two up two down terraced council house - so it's not like I even have a lot of space to cover with new carpet or wallpaper (or paint).

Anyway, on Monday, I ended going on a wild goose chase to Burnley, and ended up in the DIY departments of The Range and B&M. And because I was in the DIY bits, I was looking at paint, and wallpaper, and carpet tiles which were not what I was there for, but which I had a look at anyway. And like. I know I would be better off buying from somewhere that isn't super cheap, because I'll likely regret it. But it kind of gave me ideas for what I might want to do, and got me thinking about wallpapering one wall in the hallway, just to see how it would turn out (and if I could do it, heh).

I did almost buy a wallpaper scraper while I was there, but I'm almost certain I should already have one. I just need to find it. And it's not like I have any new wallpaper yet anyway. And I might paint it anyway, who knows.

~

Also while I was in Burnley, I bought some things I didn't need, which included this sewing book, and a set of tarot cards.

The book was 50p brand new(!!), and the tarot cards were half price. I don't really need another set of cards, as I already have two, but I wanted one that I'd bought myself (the ones I already own had belonged to other people).

I got the book because it has a pattern in it for making a simple drawstring bag that I immediately looked at and went, "that looks like a dice bag!" But on flicking through it again (I originally got it out from the library), there's a few other projects in there that have piqued my interest, including what the author describes as a boro cushion cover, but it isn't really. But I am going to make my own version, as I've wanted to make a cushion cover since the beginning of the year, but not done it for reasons I can't actually fathom at the moment.

I also want to make a bojagi inspired blind for one of my windows, so I think I will do that when I've finished the cushion cover. I say inspired, because I did learn how to do proper bojagi hems, but I find them quite tedious to do, so I'm going to do something similar, but not the same. That's something I've been putting off since last summer.

And then, of course, looking through that book reminded me this morning that I haven't looked properly at the boro book I bought for my birthday! Which was three months ago now! So perhaps I need to do that at some point soon, too.

~

Also, apologies for me taking ages to do this, but here's a link to pics of my tattoos when they were freshly done!

And that's all I've got for now, because mostly my life is the same old, same old at the moment.

So the universe decided that I got to be happy for roughly a month before remembering that no, actually, I don't get to be consistently happy, ever.

I'm not going to go into details of what is currently happening - all you need to know right now is that I am physically okay and everything related to me is stable. It's something else that's happening, which does affect me in a very big way, and therefore I am in a terrible mood/state, as per usual.

As for the one thing that was (well, still is, but I now feel incredibly guilty about it, because ofc) making happy is that there's a guy at work who, I am more than 75% sure, is interested in me. It feels weird, because it's not something I am used to! (I also figure I must have been attracted to him, as well, but didn't realise it on a conscious level at first). I mean, I am also afraid that I have read every one of his signals wrongly (because I'm good at that), despite at least two people I work with confirming I haven't.

(This is the thing that's testing my social skills as mentioned here because a lot of the time, I've been like, "is he flirting with me, or is he just being nice?" because IDK when I'm being flirted with unless you are a) very obvious about it* or b) hit me over the head with a sign that says that that is exactly what you're doing).

*He hasn't been exactly subtle, and I am still unsure. WTF is that about!

I wasn't going to post about this unless something positive came out of it, because I don't want to be wrong, but also you know what? Fuck it. So what if I am wrong about his intentions, and he's just being nice because he's a lovely person. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened. And being wrong about it absolutely pales in comparison to the other thing that's happening.

Anyway, I don't see him very often, so I don't know if there will be an update to this any time soon. And even if I do, there still might not be an update. Because, aside from anything else, his manners are freaking impeccable, and I am now at the point where I think he may be too polite to say anything to me, fr'ex ask me on a date**, because asking me while I'm at work would be rude, but he doesn't see me outside of work so !!! we are kind of stuck here, assuming that's the case!

**I want him to do the legwork here because I've done so much chasing in my life that I'm sick of it, and I want someone else to do it instead.

Am I writing/thinking about this as a distraction? Maybe. And you are obviously free to ignore it. But what a problem to have, eh? Thinking someone might be attracted to you. (This is one of those good problems, like the year I had two of the same easter egg by accident).

So yeah, I just wanted to, I dunno? Vent a little bit/let y'all know why I might be quieter than usual for the foreseeable. And distract myself by talking about something that isn't going to happen, lol.

I went to the dentist this morning, and he said my teeth were looking better than the last time I saw him. Which was nice, because I'd thought they were looking cleaner/less stained, so he evidently thinks so, too.

~

The rest of this post is a couple of thoughts about Mass Effect (nobody is surprised).

( and they are spoilers )

In other news, Mass Effect 3 was released TWELVE YEARS AGO TODAY, and oh boy do I feel old now.

The new washing machine is here! And it works and everything! (As it darned well should!)

I got up at 6am yesterday, because the site I ordered from let you know between 6:30 and 8:30am when your delivery is due, and the last time I ordered from them, they told me at 6:30 that it was coming at 7, so that was a nasty surprise. But this time I was prepared. So I got up and made sure everything was sorted, and the delivery email said it would get here between 9:30am and 1:30pm, so I got to spend a lot of time hopping around the living room feeling very anxious.

They eventually came at ~11:30, and were gone by 11:45, which was bloody amazing, frankly.

The only gripes I have is that the one guy pushed the washing machine too far back, so the outlet hose got kinked, and that the other guy was very ignorant, and carried on a conversation he'd been having about dog food evidently before they even got to my house (and more or less ignored me the entire time). But it was 900% a better experience than last time, so I am absolutely not complaining.

I was only without a washing machine for three days, but oof did I feel it. I put on a load after they'd gone, and because of the outlet pipe being kinked, it caused an overflow in the pipe that connects to the sink outlet. Which was delightful, of course. But it wasn't a bad overflow, so it was easy to clean up, but I would have rather not had to do it at all.

But now I have a fancy new washing machine, that I can talk to with my phone! This is optional, but you can choose different cycles from the in-built ones, and see how much time is left on the cycle, etc etc. (You can also see on the machine itself how much time is left, and I know this is not a new thing, but I appreciate that a lot. The old one didn't have anything like that).

~

So after I made the book wrap, I realised I'd sort of run out of things to make (despite having mentioned things here and so on, but I think my brain's just on one at the moment), so I made a coaster and some other bits and pieces in the same fashion. And now I am in a "feeling uncreative" funk again. I know it's probably just because I'm feeling very tired at the moment, but ugh, I wish it wasn't happening. I know it'll pass. I'm just venting.

I got out the book that I borrowed from the library that has the felt succulents in it, so I am going to have a look at that later for some inspo. I even bought some felt with my Xmas money that is in a colour set called Succulent, so if that isn't perfect, I don't know what is. I got the felt before I borrowed the book, just because I liked the way the colours went together, so it's sort of coincidence that I have the two things at the same time.

I think the last twelve months have just done a bit of a number on my brain, and it's taking me time to get back around to how I was feeling before that. I mean, I felt shitty before last January, but not as shitty as I did for the majority of 2023 until now. BUT ANYWAY. I'm sure I will work myself out of this. I've done it before, and I can darned well do it again.

~

Finally, I am watching Johnny Chiodini play through a game called The Tartarus Key, which is an escape room type game with PS1 style visuals (so right up my street, really). I bounced off it initially, because I realised (although I think I already knew) that, in a lot of cases, I have to be in the right mood for Johnny's streams. I like them as a person in general, but sometimes they just wind me up and get on my nerves, which is what happened to start with. But then I came back to it a couple of days later, when I was feeling tired and teary, and IDK everything was fine? Like I even laughed at a couple of jokes they made, where on the previous day, I'd been like, "Ugh, stop being such a fucking fool!"

Anyway, I recommend it! I think a few of you would like it, since some of you like puzzle games (though IDK how you feel about escape rooms), and I thoroughly recommend that you go in blind. It's more fun that way! Also I couldn't find any spoilers on the internet but I didn't try hard enough, lbr. But yeah, I deffo think it's a neat game and I've liked what I've seen so far.

I did some more digging around in the front bedroom yesterday, as I was up at silly o'clock one of my days off, and wasn't sure what to do with myself (apart from several noisier chores that I generally leave till after 9am). The plan was to move around some of the stuff that needs getting rid of, so that there is more accessible floor space.

Which is what happened, but also I found some super ancient machine sewing threads that have been in a metal tin for at least thirty years, so their colours are all still bright and lovely. They're mostly purples, a couple of pinks, and a few greens (including a lovely olive, which surprised me, because I don't usually like that shade of green).

So that was a nice surprise, although at this point it shouldn't be a surprise at all, given how much other sewing stuff I have uncovered in the last eight months. Maybe one day I will actually find those pinking shears mum swore were somewhere in the house! (I ended up buying my own, but more than one pair won't hurt).

~

I am about four and a half hours into P5R. I went upstairs pretty early on Friday night so I could play more of it before I went to sleep, only to find myself feeling really tired, so I switched it off after an hour. Turned out to be down to an incoming migraine, because of course.

I have the huge DLC with the extra outfits and personae etc etc, so I'm glad I can change up what everyone is wearing while in palaces/Mementos, especially Ann, because I really dislike her default outfit. I put Akira in the P2 one, but I didn't realise it would change the battle music as well! So that was a weird few moments before I realised what was happening (as I said: incoming migraine).

I feel less annoyed with Kasumi at the moment, but also she's barely been in it, so my opinions may change later in the game.

~

Also IDK if anyone cares, but I got myself a bluesky account, thanks to helvetica - I'm rootsandbones, if you're on there and want to add me? (do not feel obligated, obviously, just letting you know for when twitter finally does implode).