all made up with nowhere to go

So I finally bit the bullet and bought myself some Loop earplugs. I've been whiffling about it for almost a year now, so I finally went and did it.

Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to use them for the specific reason I bought them (work) as, even though they say they should stay in place, I don't want to risk losing them or be told to take them out by my line manager*. But I can at least have them with me for noisy times that aren't work (e.g. social situations/commutes/shopping, etc).

I do find it kind of hilarious that, for someone who is as noisy as I am**, I am SO noise-sensitive, though (and I swear it's getting worse as I get older).

Anyway, I was hoping they'd arrive today, but apparently they're coming tomorrow, so I guess at least I will have the Easter weekend to get used to them?

*Because I work in an environment with food, there's a lot of restrictions on what we are/aren't allowed to wear. I also can't have my nails painted, because they might chip, and that Irks Me Greatly.

**I was frequently told by both parents to shut up/be quiet when I was a child, and friends when I was younger used to note how loud I was, for example.

~

I started playing a solo RPG called Over the Mountain. It is not one of the ones from that bundle I bought the other day, merely a free one I found while noodling around on itch some time later.

It is going to take me forever to finish, assuming I want to finish it. I'm unsure at the moment; every time I put it down, I'm like, ehhhhh, but when I pick it up again, I'm kind of interested. I suppose the world building I am having to do is grating on me a little - it should ease off once I've got all the elements in place, though. I'm not saying it's not a good game; I am just having issues with my writing abilities still.

(Though it is making me think about making zines again, which is good! Because I have yet to finish a single one I've thought of - I think this is where I have imposter syndrome, weirdly. I feel like my offerings aren't good enough and yet the entire point of a zine is that it doesn't need to be polished and shiny. It just needs to exist).

~

Finally, I originally typed out the entire lists for my itch collections, but given the TTRPG list is nearing 150 items at the time of writing, I thought it more pertinent to reduce it to links instead, and you can click on whatever you think may be interesting to you? (assuming you want to, that is)

link to my profile so you can see what I already own
Visual Novels
TTRPGS
TTRPG Resources
Unclassified
Interactive Fiction
Card Games
Game Resources
Point and Click Games
Video Game RPGS

Please let me know if any links are borked, as I am tired and in pain as I write this.

~

GOG.com wishlist:

( Read more... )

~

...And now I'm going to go and sit in bed because I'm tired and I deserve it.

Because I am caught up with the Manics albums, I decided it would be pertinent to go back and relisten to them (and skip any singles I don't like - looking at you, If You Tolerate This*). So now I have listened to Know Your Enemy twice, and I think it's growing on me. I do agree that the whole thing is a bit of a mess, but other than that, it's okay?

One day I will be able to afford the 2022 reissue, which is more in line with what the band wanted originally, and then we can see how I feel about that, too. But that's for when I have things like a paying job!

Also I will be getting a replacement copy of Lifeblood for no extra charge! \o/

I probably won't hold off my relistening till it arrives, as I only got the message from customer support yesterday, and I doubt it's going to arrive today. So until it does, it will have to be the skippy copy that gets listened to.

I was going to rip all the albums so I could put them on my phone, but it turns out that my old pc** straight up doesn't want to play ball (fair, I haven't used it in over a year), and so I may have to bite the bullet and get an external cd drive. Which is a bit of a PITA, but if that's what I have to do, then that's what I have to do.

(I'm going to have another wrangle with it this afternoon - trying to do so while tired and getting distracted by a stream, which is what happened the other day, was probably not the best idea!)

~

I'm still writing! Although it's slow going, because I think I want to tear everything down and start from the ground up again.

But I'm writing! Feels weird, but good!

~

*I don't know how, but I have heard that song so many times in the last twenty five years and not by my own choice, and I never liked it to start with. So apart from a cursory listen when I first listened to This is my Truth, to see if I'd changed my mind, I now don't have to listen to it ever again if I don't want to!

**This one didn't come with a cd drive, because obviously nobody wants to rip cds any more [/sarcasm]

List post, here we go:

# I still have the eczema on the first two fingers of my right hand. I thought it was going away, but it seems to have flared up again. The index finger is super itchy around my knuckle, so that's fun! (not)

# I have a sinus infection which, as usual, is causing pain in my teeth. And it's the worst it's been in literal years. This resulted in me sitting around on Sunday, not doing a lot*, holding an ice pack to my face because the painkillers I had (ibuprofen**) weren't working, and numbing the nerves with ice barely did, but it was better than nothing. Then I slept like crap because the pain was so bad.

I was "better" on Monday, but I had the chills, and other various things that made it apparent I wasn't well, so I spent most of the day in bed, reading nonsense on the internet.

Luckily I was well enough to do a food shop/visit the library yesterday, but I still feel crappy now, so I'm going to continue not doing a lot, and hoping the library buys Gideon the Ninth for me.

# I watched Aoife play Tell Me Why, which is a Dontnod game, but not a Life is Strange game. I enjoyed it okay, but I was a bit frustrated with the conclusion.

( spoilers )

# So I've not been playing any video games for a few weeks now, since I gave up on Ni no Kuni, and I've discovered two things:

1. I suddenly have a craving to read books. Hence why I asked the library to buy a ding danged book I want to read.

2. I have been thinking about writing! In very nebulous terms, mind you.

And then I saw this screencap of a tumblr post on pinterest, which said (paraphrased) when you have a story idea, you don't need to make it into a whole g dang book, but somehow, a lot of us think we have to. And you don't! It's cool if you only write a short story, or not even something as long as that, and I was like, FUCK YES!

Because when I was a teenager, and in my early twenties, and I wrote, I didn't concern myself with writing anything as long as an entire book. And the books I have about writing don't even go, "THOU SHALT MAKE AN ENTIRE BOOK OF THIS!" - one of them is actually focussed on writing for TV because the author used to write for Star Trek! But when I was looking up book writing advice on the internet, everything I looked at was "how to plot your novel", and a lot of very in-depth stuff, and I actually think it didn't help me one flipping bit.

(Admittedly, the abominations story was planned to be book length because I wanted to see if I could do 50K words in a short space of time, and it turns out I can, but I don't enjoy it).

Not that it was bad advice. Like, if you want to write an entire novel, do it! There's some cracking advice out there! It just wasn't for me. Because that's not how I write, and never how I have written.

I don't know what I want to write yet, or even if it will be anything set in places I already thought of, but I do think I want to do some, eventually. (I know I said this earlier in the year, but this time I mean it).

Also, if you're interested, this is a link to my writing board on pinterest, which will probably clue you into my brain for the past few years/almost a decade :O (sadly, because I will let pinterest rec me things related to this board, I still get "OMG WRITE UR NOVEL NOW!!!!" pins, which is annoying, but at least I can ignore them, and most of the time I get more interesting stuff instead).

Edit from the future: Please don't take this as me saying vidya are bad, or that they stifle creativity, because I don't think either of those things. But I just wanted to add this to clarify. It's more to do with my weasel brain and what bits of it get taken up with what things. [/edit]

# That's my lot for now, I think. I should probably go and get something to eat.

~

*I ended up watching a 2 hour video recap of Gideon/Harrow the Ninth, because I'd spent most of the previous day reading about them on TVT and now I want to read them. I have asked the library to buy Gideon because I can't afford to pay £12 for a book. And that's the paperback price with a discount.

**I know ibuprofen does nothing for me, and YET. I bought some, because I thought maybe I was wrong about that. I was not.

List post, because segues are for people who are better at words than me.


1. On Monday, on the way to work, I saw some deer! One of them was definitely a stag because he had a massive set of antlers.

2. I put some of the Waterman ink I got around Xmas in one of my fountain pens and OMG I LOVE THE COLOUR. It's exactly the sort of purple I want, so I am very glad I got it!

3. I started using my Sakura sketchbook and, while it's small, I don't feel like I mind too much? But I really like square sketchbooks, so that's probably it. Also the paper is REALLY NICE to draw on, and it handles all sorts of inks that I've put on it!

4. I finally got past all the Humbabas in FFXIII, although it involved grinding and upgrading my weapons (sighs). I think I probably did it wrongly, even though I followed the advice in the strategy guide but eh. After two attempts at the boss at the end of Edenhall (I beat it on the second go), I am now dicking around on Pulse again to activate some of the Cie'th stones/do mild grinding.

Also it turns out from looking through my tags that this is my third full replay - I've beaten it twice before, but had forgotten, d'oh. I thought I'd got almost to the end a second time, but not beaten it AND I didn't realise it was only a year after I first beat it that I replayed it. But I didn't have many 360 games back then, so that explains that.

5. I'm still convinced I don't have ADHD, but omg this post on reddit absolutely nails how my weasel brain feels.

Also someone in the comments mentions buying stuff you're currently obsessed with as impulsive behaviour, and I'd never thought of that! (I mean, reckless spending yes, but other than that, nope). But I do this a lot when I find a new thing to be obsessed with - I want to buy stuff related to it (and have done in the past). And, of course, we all know about my stationery addiction :D

6. I realised the other day that I don't necessarily want to write stories, but I want to make up characters and play about with them. Which I don't see as the same thing. Like, I'd write little vignettes about them, which one day might lead to a full story, but not make them up and then think, "Right, I need a world and such and such for this to all go in!" which is how I've approached writing in the past. Unless it was fanfic, in which case I just did what my brain wanted, and stuff the consequences.

This section brought to you by thinking about making up skateboarding teenagers (very nebulously rn), but realising I didn't want to create a story involving skateboarding (even though it is a thing I love a lot).

So! There's this one artist on youtube whose videos I watch, but am never particularly engaged with, as most of their stuff is about their original characters, and I'm not really interested in them. So I don't watch their videos where they're explaining stuff about their stories, because I just...don't want to know. Except that yesterday I watched one, and ended up being mildly interested, as their idea was not the same as one I've been messing about for eight years now, but bits of it were similar, but in an extremely broad strokes way; nothing was exactly the same.

Which got me thinking about this idea I'd had, and another one, which is more recent. And basically, I think I might mush the two (plus some other stuff from other ideas) together and see what happens.

This is the first time I've felt like writing, or even properly tinkering with ideas in years.

I'm not saying anything will come of it, because I don't want to put pressure on myself, but I'm kind of excited? I miss writing a lot.

(I thought I was going to have more to say on this but basically: watched an artist on yt, got inspired!)

After having migraines/bad headaches all week, it occurred to me that I might have been sleeping funky, so I attempted to change that last night. So far, so good. Although I've had week long migraines before, so it could be they've just naturally passed. WHO KNOWS.

I will keep sleeping in the non-funky way, and see how things go.

So because I've had headaches all week, I haven't been doing very much, I say, having collated my mum's diaries, and rearranged mine so they can all go in the same box, among other things.

There is, in total, 116 of her diaries and commonplace books (mostly diaries, though). I do not know if this is all of them because she was a prolific diary writer, and she also wrote diary entries in notepads (presumably because that was what she had to hand at the time). I also don't know at what age she started keeping a diary - the earliest I've found so far is 1974, although I think there's earlier than that, because I'm p sure she wrote about the boyfriend she had before she met my dad.

I, compared, to my mother, am very much not prolific, unless you count this last year, in which I filled five diaries, and wrote almost every day. (I managed from February to August without a break, but then I was ill for a few days, which meant I didn't want to write. Since then, I've taken breaks and not chastised myself for it, as this is the most I've ever written in any diary format, ever).

I have also reclaimed some older notebooks that I haven't used in ages, like ones I was writing stories in that I haven't touched in over three years.

I think if I do start writing again, I'm going to go back to file paper. I only started using a notebook because published authors were like, "this is how I do it!" and I was all, "I have all these notebooks lying around that I'm not using!" and so...except it turned out more inconvenient than anything for me. This was partly down to having specific notebooks for specific stories except that, if my story went nowhere, then that was an entire notebook claimed. Whereas if I'm using file paper and it goes nowhere, no biggie. Not that I've been writing any fiction recently, but there we are.

(Shoutout to that person on the notebook subreddit years ago who said you should cut pages out of used notebooks rather than tearing them so it doesn't destroy the binding).

~

In other news, a small handful of small tea reviews!

Lidl Sleepwell: this is nice, but it makes me feel extremely groggy the next day after drinking it in the evening. I think it's the chamomile. Also it has lavender in it, which is a bit of an acquired taste (and I know some people don't like it - a friend of my mum's used to say she thought it smelt medicinal and thus was put off).

Lidl Mixed Berry: this is also nice, but it has chicory root in it, which I don't like (one of the reasons I can't drink coffee substitutes). I also think it may have contributed to some headaches, so am avoiding it for the time being.

Lidl Deluxe Superfruits: this is a mixed berry which doesn't have chicory in! And while it's more expensive (15 bags per box versus 40), I think it's nicer? It tastes really fruity when it brews for a long time (5 min+) and I really like it.

I also got some more of the green Rooibos and peach, which I haven't seen for ages for some reason*. The last box I had didn't seem as nice as the first box, so I'm going to see how I feel about it again. I also have a box of just Rooibos on its own, but I'm scared to open it in case I don't like it (which is daft, because I know I will?? I can't imagine green Rooibos tastes that different from normal Rooibos, right?)

~

*I mean, the current circumstances means not going out much, and working in an entirely different town that doesn't have a Lidl in the centre of town is probably the reason.

So one thing I have been doing for the past week and a half is writing an offline diary. I'm just putting what happened in my day in it, and how I feel, and leaving it at that. I actually like writing a diary (which is why I liked LJ and like DW), but I've fallen off the wagon, so to speak, with regard to writing an offline one. I used to only write in them when I was angry or upset or crushing on someone or likewise, so it's kind of refreshing to be like, "well, nowt major happened, but that's okay!"

I'm actually surprised with myself that I've managed to keep it going, but I have! I've almost used up the notebook I was using (A5, 100 sheets), and most of that's just been from recent use.

This is part of the reason I have so many notebooks. Because I've written diaries since I was...approximately 11? and I assumed I would be prolific at it my entire life (because my mum was - I have Quite The Stack of her past diaries) Except that when I was younger, I didn't expect crippling depression or the internet to take these things away from me.

But if I keep writing at this pace, maybe I'll use up some of those older notebooks and so on (of which there is also Quite The Stack, especially if you include the ones that were mum's that are still unused). My next one at the moment is similar size to the one I'm using, so I don't overwhelm myself. (I rarely use A4 size books, and the one thick book I used lasted me five years and I was sick of it by the time I got to nearly the end).

I am actually kind of excited about this, as weird as that sounds.

~

I looked up herbal teas online, and now I have fallen down a rabbit hole, and am considering buying a tea strainer for if I ever get any loose leaf tea. I do drink them occasionally, but want a different variety than what the local supermarkets can provide for me (which, if you're mostly shopping in Lidl, as I am, isn't a whole lot).

I also learnt Rooibos isn't a type of tea like black or green tea, which is good news, as I wanted to try it. (My sister in law occasionally drinks it, and she likes black tea, so I assumed it was similar). I don't like black tea in the slightest, and wasn't taken with green tea when I tried it, and I have no idea how I feel about Rooibos, but it's worth a try!

Maybe I should do what my friend Liam does, and make a tea review when I try a new one? He has an entire twitter (and it's only for black tea), but I'd probably put them here because I know what I'm like. And I don't need another twitter account.

# Considering forcing myself to write. After all, that's kind of what I did back in 2014 to get the sci-fi story off the ground, and I'm so fucking sick of feeling pangs of jealousy when people talk about how much they've written.

(I don't think I've ever nailed more than about 15K in a year, but it'd be nice? to be able to do that again).

I also need to stop thinking about themes and saying Stuff™ because I get too bogged down in it, when I should just be writing for the heck of it, which how I write best.

# I have downloaded both Dissidia Final Fantasy Opera Omnia (DFFOO/Opera Omnia from here on in) and Final Fantasy Brave Exvius. I had problems with data downloads on both games, but that was mainly down to our shitty internet, I think. (I wanted to smash our router after three goes at the FFBE data, which then decided to play nice while I play Opera Omnia, so IDEK???)

I haven't played enough of FFBE to know if I like it or not, but I think the battle mechanics (swiping different ways to access different things) are interesting. I don't like having to have random people join my battles, but IDK if there's a way to switch that off (probably not).

I like Opera Omnia! I keep squealing while playing it, and the drawn art is so cute I actually hecking can't with it (it's Nomura, isn't it? It certainly looks like his style). Also it amuses the heck out of me when someone says something in Japanese and I actually understand it (I'm not great at Japanese, but I seem to have retained what I do know).

# It was my birthday yesterday, and now I am Incredibly Ancient™ because I'm thirty seven and, as everybody on the internet knows, you are a dried up husk if you are over the age of thirty. I had a nice, chilled day, just sat in the sun playing vidya and stroking the cat. It was good.

# EDIT: forgot to mention that I fixed Pocket Camp all by myself! I talked to the animals who were "stuck" at the visiting points and then that seemed to solve whatever problem I was having. It's been running fine since then *touches wood* [/eta]

Made some irresponsible clothing purchases, and got myself two Star Wars t-shirts and a Halo one. Now most of my t-shirts are fandom-related, and that makes me gleeful.

(I said a bit back to mum that I love that I can just pretty much go out and buy a thing with something I like on it, because having fandom stuff makes me happy).

I also bought some other clothes, but I doubt you want to hear about that. Maybe apart from the high tops I got that have stars on(!!) and random stripes of fake fur on the back? Like, why? I don't understand. Though I'm not sending them back just for that. I got them in a sale, they fit, they're nice and sturdy, and they have STARS ON THEM. (Their only flaw is that they are mostly white, so I will have to keep on top of keeping them clean).

~

I could've bought Maggie Stiefvater's latest book, but decided not to because:

a) my reading concentration is still shot to pieces. It has taken me two weeks to manage less than 100 pages in the book I am currently on. I still have three other books unfinished.

b) after all the hoo-haa about how racist it is, I'm not sure I want to.
(I don't know how racist it is or isn't, but the primary complaint is that she's white and writing about Hispanic characters and doesn't know when she's being offensive. Which given how she handled Henry and his mother in TRC, I'm not entirely surprised).

c) I'm not really excited about it. I want the book about the female racing gang, tbqh! But she hasn't mentioned it in a while, as she's working on the sequel trilogy to the Raven Cycle (sighs) right now. And it's possible it may never appear anyway :(

(I would love to write a version of that story myself, but that I know fuck all about cars. I mean, I know some stuff, but I don't know how they work, because I've never learnt to drive. Racing games and a passing interest in Formula One do not an expert make).

(I guess I could learn but ehhhhh. Feels like too much hard work right now).

~

I am procrastinating from writing by internetting.

I've had a vague itch to write, but nothing's satisfied it. I'm thinking of throwing the short story I started writing in the bin*. The basic idea is okay, but it's too bound up with a lot of real life feelings, and I think that's what's stalling me on it.

Man, I long for the days where I can just write and not give a shit about what goes on the paper. Why don't I have those any more?

(I'm sure I will; I'm just having a dearth at the moment).

Anyway, off to do that procrastination thing and maybe cook some dinner...

~

*I don't do that. I mean I'll file it away somewhere and forget about it.

So yesterday, I investigated the remnants of the library booksale. I was half checking to see if the copy of Pacific Rim that they had was still there. It was, so I picked it up! I also got Jupiter Ascending (which I'd nearly bought a new copy of elsewhere earlier), and John Wick (which I got because Keanu Reeves, and because the internet said it's good???)

And then I started tweeting about Keanu, and how much I like him. And had a whole convo with a friend about him on twitter. And I was feeling shitty, so when I got home, I put on The Matrix Reloaded, and watched the selected highlights* (I actually don't think I've watched the full film in a looong time. I should do that sometime soon). And then I was, like, "I haven't watched the original film in ages. I should do that!" So I did. I had to stop it half an hour out from the end, so I watched the rest earlier today but DAMN I LOVE THAT FILM.

I'm actually going to write a post about these films and my love for them. (Twenty five year crush on Mr Reeves aside).

And tomorrow I'm probably going to watch the Superbrawl from Revolutions, because DAMN, SON.

~

In other news, I wrote a 4500 word short story in two days. It needs a rewrite, and I'm leaving it to stew at the moment, but I'm very pleased with myself.

~

*For anyone who doesn't know that's: from the teahouse fight to the Burly Brawl, then the Château fight, the car chase, Morpheus explaining the plan, and the Architect.