all made up with nowhere to go

I am on some time off work, and so far I have been catching up on chores - there is just me in this house, but I STG my washing loads breed when I'm not looking. I have also stripped a load of wallpaper in the hallway, so that I can finally get to painting it! I do not think this will happen before the end of the year, but that's okay, because I have the first (full) week in January off, so I can attempt it then! \o/

I am going to be doing some Xmas shopping tomorrow. Weirdly, it will be for the most amount of people I've ever shopped for in a while: my nephew, my work Secret Santa, and also a friend from work who has been an absolute fucking STAR in the short time I've known her, and she deserves something nice to say thank you.

So that feels kind of strange, but also nice. I like giving presents.

Work continues to be mostly terrible. I'm not going to go into it but stuff is Not Great, and hasn't been for a good while now. I keep hoping things will get better, but I dunno, man.

There's little I can do to change how work is right now, but I am feeling mostly positive about Things In General, and there is still the good thing that I rarely vaguepost about - which is super duper nice. I need to record the good things as well as the shit ones.

And I am playing FFVII Remake, and enjoying it! Although I would like an apology from every single person who complained about FFXIII being too linear* and on the rails, because parts of this are so linear that Aerith has yelled at me MULTIPLE TIMES for wanting to explore a bit. I suppose it makes sense in context - Cloud says he's not familiar with Sector 5 but oh jeez, I just wanted to see what was down this clearly marked dead end!

The only time it actually felt like I was lost was on the way to the Sector 5 reactor, and even that was still pretty damn linear.

(Also am I mad that they implemented the "we all need to do this one thing at the same time" thing? It's slightly less maddening than in the original but OH MY FROG. So yes, yes I am).

(Also also I like that there's at least a couple of running jokes from Advent Children, as well as some of the music from the soundtrack).

~

I think that's all I've got for now - off to make some dinner, I guess!

~

*Hopefully none of you lot!

Yesterday, I went to Burnley to upgrade my phone contract to SIM only, and buy myself a new phone.

Between that, the rent, a few other things, and the fact that I have to go back to the dentist next week, I have spent A LOT of money in a very short space of time, and I don't like it at all. I am glad I can manage to do this, thanks to my job, but SHEESH it feels very uncomfortable.

(That said, I just checked my bank account and actually my spending wasn't too ridiculous? My balance now versus what it was when my last pay went in wasn't actually too different - I was expecting it to vary by WAY more than it did).

Anyway, the SIM only deal is £25 per month less than what I was paying, so it will even out in the end, and I can afford it.

As for the dentist - I had to go for a check-up, and I need a filling, as the tooth he'd previously identified as cracked now has a very visible chip out of it. Although I qualify for NHS treatment, I don't get any help with it, as I'm working*, so I've already paid for the check-up, and the filling will be twice as much, YAY. On the plus side: it's pay day this Friday, and also this is my first filling in well over a decade.

So yeah, the phone I ended up getting was a Samsung A26 in mint green. I haven't finished setting it up properly yet, but omg it's so nice to have a phone that functions how I want it to, and I don't feel like I'm struggling with all the time. AMAZING.

(My old phone is a Pixel 7a, and I do not like it ONE BIT. Apologies if you have a Pixel and you like it. I just don't think it was the phone for me).

Also while I was out, I did a bit of shopping for my nephew's birthday (not for a while yet), and feel like I failed at that, because I've seen him so little over the last twelve months (for understandable reasons), that I don't know what he's into these days. I've got him some Pokemon and Mario stuff, but that feels very predictable.

I also - because I am a fool of epic proportions, and somewhat predictable myself - bought myself a squishmallow. It is a frog, and his name is Robert, which amuses me for a variety of reasons, not least because I have a beanbag frog I've had since I was a teenager that I called Robbie, after Robbie Williams. Because I was very into Take That when my mum bought him for me. So I sort of felt I had to buy him. And then when I got home and read the bio on his tag, I saw that he has the same birthday as my dad. Which amuses me even more, given how little he and I got on together.

If you want to see what he looks like, I posted a pic on my bsky yesterday.

Anyway, all that aside, I am on holiday from work (apart from the bit where I'm not), and it has rained every day so far, because that is just my luck (and also autumn in the UK). Also my meet up with Sarah had to be cancelled because her husband got ill, and she didn't know if she'd pick up what he has, and obviously didn't want to pass it on. So I am thwarted in being social! (for now)

~

*I could apply for an HC2 certificate, but I still probably wouldn't get totally free treatment. I have applied for one! I don't know! I guess it would at least help with my prescriptions?

In the time since I last updated, I have been ill with a cold, which sucked balls, obviously. I am getting better, but I have a lingering cough that's taking its sweet time fucking off.

I bought a portable wireless charger, since my phone can Do That (except I'd forgotten until now), and a customer had one when he came to pay at the till and I was like, "Oooh, I didn't know they made wireless ones!" I mean, I knew wireless chargers existed, I just didn't know there were portable ones. And now I do.

I also bought a heated airer, as I have wanted one for years, and made the mistake of looking at the sale on Dunelm's website. In fairness, I had gone on there to look at House Things (since that's what they sell, primarily), and I looked at none of the things I'd intended to, except paint. Which I did not buy, because I'd already decided on the airer. But it was 30% off, so I got it for just over fifty quid instead of almost eighty. And it will come in useful when the weather starts getting colder again (it was 27°C yesterday. DO NOT WANT. But also I mean like, a good twenty degrees cooler). And I am sure the cat will appreciate it because she likes being warm. I anticipate finding her sitting on it at some point.

I also had another doctor's appointment re: fibromyalgia, and I have been prescribed a slightly higher dosage of amitriptaline, and a review in six months' time. The doctor that I saw said at least twice that she was glad it was working for me, and I said, "So am I!" but also my internal mental monologue was like, "and thank fuck for that, because I know how annoying my body can be with medication."

And come the end of this month, I will have had this job for TWO YEARS! *throws confetti*
This is officially the longest I have had a (paid) job for, and I am very pleased with myself for being able to keep at it for this long.

I think that's everything for now - life is pretty much the same as usual, except I'm listening to more music than I am playing or watching other people play video games, which is great! I love music! But I don't have anything to say beyond that for now.

Bullet points because I don't do coherent segues!

# I am not going to talk about how many hours I am working this week, suffice to say it's ridiculous. One shift was my own fault for taking it on, but the rest were not.

Maybe I'll whine about it next week.

# I was supposed to have counselling today, but I got a text from my counsellor very early on saying she was sorry, but she had to postpone our session because she wasn't feeling well. Which is fair! And also I'm relieved, because I didn't have anything specific to talk about, apart from telling her how my new meds are going. I'm hoping next time I speak to her, I will have a bigger update for her/something else to talk about, hopefully.

# I'm changing my mind about what I want to do with (some of) the walls in my house - I was originally going to wallpaper upstairs and paint downstairs, but now I think I might just paint the lot? Especially because I think the colour I picked for the hallway has been discontinued??? I have one can of it, but that won't be enough for all the walls that will need doing.

But it's annoying, because they've literally made this colour FOR YEARS, and now I choose it as the one I want, I can't get it anywhere!

(There is a similar colour by the same company, which hopefully is still in production, so I can get that, but I am currently very >:( at it all).

I don't know what I will do with the wallpaper I haven't used, though. (I did think about partially papering the front bedroom, but idk right now).

# Wyrdwood season 2 starts on Friday! I am very excite!! I won't get to watch it till at least Sunday evening, but I am excite all the same!

Work is extremely Not Great at the moment, as I have mentioned previously. TL;DR version is that I ended up doing almost thirty two hours last week (WAY over my contracted hours) - and I've just done four days in a row, and they were all long shifts, and by close yesterday, I was so tired I swear I could have fallen asleep standing up.

I also know I was a bit asshole-ish with a couple of people, because the more exhausted I get, the less I care to maintain my filters, so people get shitty me. But I am aware I do it, so maybe (especially in this job?) I maintain them a little bit more than I have done previously? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(though I did still want to punch the guy who said I was doing a great job in spite of the situation and although I'm sure he wasn't being patronising, I sure as heck felt like I was being patronised).

Anyway, I was already exhausted before all the *gestures at the situation* kicked off, and now I am more so. YAY. And I'm very sore, which sort of proves to me that at least some of my pain is a stress response, so I need to mention that to the doctor, when I eventually get an appointment.

~

In other news, I went to Burnley last week on one of my days off just for a "getting t f out of the house" trip, and ended up buying a bunch of stuff I didn't need (hands up who is surprised). And some stuff I did, like I finally got a rack and two small baking tins for my air fryer, so hopefully that will encourage me to use it a bit more, idk.

I also bought a scrapbook to use as a sketchbook, which is a terrible idea, but it is 30x30cm, and I sort of fancied a sketchbook in that size, so I'm going to see how annoying I find it without forking out as much money as it would have cost me. (Also I really like square sketchbooks? I don't know why but I do. And I have used books in the past that are not intended to be sketchbooks, so this is not a new turn of events).

And I went in CEX and bought Pillars of Eternity II and Stranger of Paradise. I picked that over FFVII Remake because, while I would rather play FFVII, I don't have a PS5 so I can play the rest of the parts. Stranger of Paradise is at least a standalone. I don't know how much it will make me want to punch myself in the face, but I am willing to give it a go.

Pillars of Eternity I know nothing about, apart from some of the soundtrack from the first game was used in Critical Role, and that's it.

I don't know when I will get to playing either game, as it's been ages since I wanted to switch on the PS4, and I just don't feel like I've had the energy to play games lately (for reasons stated above). But they'll still be there when I want them, though.

~

I don't think I've got anything else for the moment, and I've got counselling soon, so I shall end this entry here for now!

Shout out the guy who came into my workplace wearing a Monkey Island t-shirt! He said I was the first (random) person to recognise what game it was from.

I guess I have Andy Farrant and Outside Xbox to thank for that!

There was also a guy about a week ago who came in wearing a t-shirt with Camus on it, and I was like, "That's not something you see every day." And he grinned, and said something along the lines of, "I'm trying to start a following."
And then we had a conversation about Camus, and he commiserated with me about how dry and boring La Peste is.

Also one of the regulars came in around the start of the month wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with Japanese text on it, and I am painfully aware that I spent most of the time I was speaking to him staring at his chest as if I was going to magically figure out what the words said (impossible, because I can't read Japanese).

Not a lot has happened in my life since I last posted - it's pretty much been the same old, same old. I did buy a new microwave, though, which is not very exciting, but it will be useful. It turns out I missed being able to nuke something once I got in from a late shift, and a lot of my upcoming shifts this next month are lates, so...I thought, why not buy one? Not like I can't afford it at the moment. So I did. And it cooks stuff in five minutes, which feels weird and wrong, but I am not complaining!

I also bought an external cd/dvd drive for my laptop, primarily so I can rip music, but also now I can watch dvds downstairs without having to lug the TV down here. Not that it is heavy, thank frog, just annoying. I do have a portable DVD player, but it is very old, and I'm thinking of getting rid of it anyway. And the screen is TINY, which isn't ideal. Also if I watch stuff on my computer, I can screencap to my heart's content :D

Maybe that means I'll actually get to watching all (most) of The X-Files/Buffy again, and maybe it won't, but at least the option is there if I want it.

...And I finally got to getting the Matrix films on blu-ray. You know, four years after I said I'd get them for my fortieth birthday?

But I was looking to see if Resurrections was available on blu-ray, and what do you know, all four films plus The Animatrix are available in a blu-ray boxset, and so: I clicked BUY and now they are arriving today!

So now I own the first film on four different types of media (VHS, DVD, UMD, and blu-ray), and the trilogy three times on DVDs alone (singles + two different boxsets).

Because I'm me, and this is entirely predictable, I feel.

Obviously I won't be able to watch these on my computer, but that's what the DVDs are for! ;)

And then finally, I've got my penultimate counselling session in a bit. Unfortunately, it has landed as I have the recurrent Seasonal Affective part of my depression, and the counsellor, while lovely, wants to improve my scores to the questionnaire I have to answer before every session. But depression doesn't work like that! And she knows that! I am not going to be cured and not feeling vaguely suicidal by next week! Although this isn't as bad as it has been (although the initial coming hit me like a truck), I am probably going to feel like this until at least September! Maybe if I'd had the counselling when I originally needed it, but not now.

So that's that for now. Time to go wait for things to arrive! (Exciting!)

Bullet points because omg my brain right now:

# I always try to buy daffodils around the end of Feb/beginning of March, because the first of March is Saint David's Day and I am, in case you didn't know, half Welsh. Also, just looking at them makes me so happy, and there aren't any wild ones nearby. And they're dirt cheap - case in point, I got two bunches of fifteen from Aldi the other day for less than £2 for both bunches. And they've opened, and there's so many of them, and I just feel absolute pure joy looking at them.

# I have had my hours increased at work! Not by a lot, but by enough, and that's fine by me.

# I had to buy a new pair of glasses, as the coating was coming off the old ones, and it was affecting my vision to the point where I was just like, "FUCK THIS!"

So that was an expense I didn't need, but it was one I made anyway because eyes are fucking important (even my extremely defective ones).

# I have finally had my first counselling session! We seemed to hop topics a lot - it felt like I was mostly bringing the person I was speaking to up to speed with my family situation. It also felt a lot like "person with alexithymia definitely proves they have it but doesn't actually say so".

And I felt really fucking validated when near to the end of the session, she said, "So you haven't had an easy life, then." And I was like, no, I haven't, thank you for seeing that. (And she doesn't even know some of the shitty stuff that happened! Just what I told her in the course of an hour).

Oh, and! When I told her how I felt while taking antidepressants, she confirmed that most people tend to feel flattened out emotionally on them. Like. I thought that was sort of just a me thing - I have had one friend confirm she also felt that way, but it has been literally one. So it was nice to know that wasn't just a me thing at all.

I don't know how useful it will end up being, especially because it's an NHS set amount of sessions (4 to 6, depending on your needs). I guess if I needed more, I would have to look into private healthcare, but that would be Expensive. I'll see how this goes, and if it helps any first.

# I bought four albums, all at once: the Everhood soundtrack; the Pizza Tower soundtrack; Everything Must Go (20th anniversary edition); and Critical Thinking by the Manic Street Preachers.

I also downloaded a program called Bosca Ceoil Blue, which is a tracker for making music. Which is the way I am used to making music - way back in t'day I used to noodle around in a program called Acid and had heaps of fun, so I'm going to have a go at plonking around in this and see what happens.

# ...I made the mistake of downloading Cookie Clicker, and that's all I'm saying. If you know, you know.

In which this has been a week:

~ I rode my bike to work on New Year's Day, as there were no buses. I did not ride it all the way, and I could not ride it home (because gentle yet deceptive gradient, boo). So I had to walk with it almost all the way. Also it was raining.

~ I injured my right ring fingertip on some metalwork while cleaning on Friday evening, and it obviously hasn't healed properly yet because it's on a fingertip of my dominant hand, so I keep catching it on stuff and setting it off bleeding again. Fun times!

~ And then! It snowed on Saturday night. Which, again, meant no buses because although the main roads were clear, because of the diversions, nothing could get into town (or drivers, probably, depending on where they live).

I checked to see if I had messages from anyone else about whether they were going in. I did not. So foolishly, I set off walking. In three inches of snow. For three miles. While it was still snowing.

Anyway, tl;dr version: nobody else in my dept had come in, so it was open, but it was extremely bare bones because there was only me.

And then I had to walk home because there were still no buses, and I didn't know if taxis were running, and I couldn't be arsed to find out. Also it was raining. But I was going home, so I didn't mind so much.

It was so weird, though, because there were so few people/not a lot of traffic around, it felt like being in some strange, post-apocalyptic environment. Like, there were signs there'd been life here, but there wasn't much evidence of it. (Work was, well, work. Just with less people than usual - both coworkers and customers).

I'm glad I've got today and tomorrow off, though, because although I don't feel as shit as I was expecting to, I don't feel great, so at least I can just bimble around the house and not do too much.

#

In other news:

~ I rewatched all of Oxventure Wyrdwood, and now I want to rewatch it again, heh. It's given me a mighty craving for all things folk horror-y (I mean, it had already but now it's really intense). I am currently watching Golden Rodent play Balatro, however.

~ Me and Sarah hung out for a bit last week and got spooked by a goat just staring at us (I mean, of all the farm animals it could have been, and while I was telling her about Wyrdwood as well!)

~ I bought an air fryer instead of a new microwave. I figured I didn't use the micro that much, whereas I use my oven/stove more, and would like to cut down on my (frankly ludicrous) gas bill.

I have next to no idea what I can do with it (yet), but I am looking forward to maybe getting back into baking again, and also perhaps making slightly more complex dishes than I do currently.

~ I bought and started playing Persona 5 Tactica. I am about three hours in and have few thoughts beyond "art style is cool", "I like Erina (and her costume design)" and "Toshiro needs a good slap upside the head because he is, in part, a predictable Japanese male character".

#

I think that is everything for now. I can't be arsed doing a post summing up 2024. It was pretty shit for the most part. I'm glad to see the back of it. Hopefully 2025 might be better, but honestly who knows.

# Parts of town flooded the other day while I was at work, thanks to snow melt and a storm passing over. Thankfully, I was able to make it home okay, but I was worried for a good couple of hours that I wouldn't.

# I finally moved the futon upstairs! \o/ I have swapped it for the wicker chair that was up there and the other rando dining table chair I have (there are two; they do not match). This means there is now more space in the living room and the front bedroom, and I am very happy. All I have to do now is another tip run, and I will be even happier.

# I watched a stationery haul from a website I've never heard of (Journalsay), so of course I had to go and look at it. But I was very good! I didn't actually buy anything! I wanted to, I really did. But I have lots of stickers and stuff, I don't need more! (I do)

So now I think I'm probably going to fall down the journalling video rabbit hole for a while. Possibly.

# And then the other rabbit hole I'm going to get myself in is art dolls. I have wanted to make some for a few years now, but been put off because a lot of the tutorials have specific looks to them. Anyway, tl;dr version is I can make the dolls look however I like, right? That's what makes them mine.

I think also I've been put off because I've tried to make dolls in the past (I have abandoned crocheted ones) and it's not always gone very well. But. I am trying to do the thing of, well, if it doesn't work, I don't have to show anyone!

What kicked this off was seeing one made from scraps of fabric. And oh boy do I have a lot of scraps. So. I'm going to muck about and see where this gets me.

# Finally, I have been thinking about rebooting my ko-fi! I have made next to no effort with it recently and that's frankly quite rubbish! As you probably know, I was very mentally unwell last year while trying to run it, and I know I didn't do a good job, and I think I used starting my job as an excuse to stop updating, even if I didn't realise it at the time.

Well, now I have a handle on my job, and I reckon I could manage monthly updates there at least. And overhaul the shop. I don't know when I will actually do it, possibly in the new year, maybe as late as my birthday. I need to do some research, and relaunching over Xmas seems like a bit of a daft idea. So. Yeah.

# I think that's all I've got for now!

I am just on the last day of another week off work (and I have another one coming up in two weeks' time, lol. I didn't book my holidays at all except my birthday next year, so my manager assigned me these and I ain't complaining. Though I should have taken time off sooner than now, but whatever).

Anyway:

On this Monday just gone, I had my assessment phonecall for the counselling I referred myself for. I liked the lady I spoke to, which was good, since I assume it's her I will be having the sessions with. She said it may be up to two months before we actually get to the counselling, but hopefully it will be sooner. I'm honestly not surprised, waiting lists are what they are, and they're not going to improve any time soon. Luckily, although I've had some bad days this week, I'm not in a terrible place in general, so can probably stick out the wait time.

Then Friday, I was meant to be going to Burnley. Originally with a couple of the ladies I work with, but that didn't pan out, so then on my own. Except I discovered early in the morning that my front door was refusing to lock properly. So I had to call the housing association to send out someone to sort it. Which they did, and luckily it was a really easy fix - it just needed some air and oil to get the lock moving again, as it was gunked up from thirty years of use. So that threw me off somewhat.

I decided - unwisely - to go to Burnley in the afternoon, and not only did my mood crash horrifically, but I caught the bus home with the college students, and that was an unfun time. I should've aimed for the next one instead, but by that point, I just wanted to go home again. But. I did manage to get some birthday presents for my nephew (unsure if he will like them, but what even are 12 year olds into these days?) And I also got myself a full length mirror, because I am feeling (somewhat) better about my physical self, and I want to take pictures of my outfits, even if I never upload them anywhere.

Other than that, I've mostly mooched around, although I lost a couple of days to migraines (thanks no thanks low air pressure). I spent a good chunk of yesterday doing sorting through more of mum's stuff. I now have more space in the front bedroom than ever, and I'm feeling really good about it - there's been times in the past few months where things have felt insurmountable, so I'm glad that's passing, or at least diminished for now. I don't know that I will have that space as a useable workroom by the end of the year, but it definitely feels closer to becoming reality than it did before.

I don't know how to end this entry, so I'm just going to stop here.