all made up with nowhere to go

Bullet points because omg my brain right now:

# I always try to buy daffodils around the end of Feb/beginning of March, because the first of March is Saint David's Day and I am, in case you didn't know, half Welsh. Also, just looking at them makes me so happy, and there aren't any wild ones nearby. And they're dirt cheap - case in point, I got two bunches of fifteen from Aldi the other day for less than £2 for both bunches. And they've opened, and there's so many of them, and I just feel absolute pure joy looking at them.

# I have had my hours increased at work! Not by a lot, but by enough, and that's fine by me.

# I had to buy a new pair of glasses, as the coating was coming off the old ones, and it was affecting my vision to the point where I was just like, "FUCK THIS!"

So that was an expense I didn't need, but it was one I made anyway because eyes are fucking important (even my extremely defective ones).

# I have finally had my first counselling session! We seemed to hop topics a lot - it felt like I was mostly bringing the person I was speaking to up to speed with my family situation. It also felt a lot like "person with alexithymia definitely proves they have it but doesn't actually say so".

And I felt really fucking validated when near to the end of the session, she said, "So you haven't had an easy life, then." And I was like, no, I haven't, thank you for seeing that. (And she doesn't even know some of the shitty stuff that happened! Just what I told her in the course of an hour).

Oh, and! When I told her how I felt while taking antidepressants, she confirmed that most people tend to feel flattened out emotionally on them. Like. I thought that was sort of just a me thing - I have had one friend confirm she also felt that way, but it has been literally one. So it was nice to know that wasn't just a me thing at all.

I don't know how useful it will end up being, especially because it's an NHS set amount of sessions (4 to 6, depending on your needs). I guess if I needed more, I would have to look into private healthcare, but that would be Expensive. I'll see how this goes, and if it helps any first.

# I bought four albums, all at once: the Everhood soundtrack; the Pizza Tower soundtrack; Everything Must Go (20th anniversary edition); and Critical Thinking by the Manic Street Preachers.

I also downloaded a program called Bosca Ceoil Blue, which is a tracker for making music. Which is the way I am used to making music - way back in t'day I used to noodle around in a program called Acid and had heaps of fun, so I'm going to have a go at plonking around in this and see what happens.

# ...I made the mistake of downloading Cookie Clicker, and that's all I'm saying. If you know, you know.

How's this for an example of the state of the NHS at the moment:

Back in September last year, I referred myself for counselling for my mental health. I also asked a doctor for a referral for a surgical procedure.

I was contacted by the mental health team a couple of weeks later, given an assessment, and told I could be waiting up to two months before someone contacted me to start the counselling.

I had a text from the hospital a little while later asking if I still required the surgery. Obviously, I said yes.

In December, I had a letter from the hospital saying my initial consultation would be in mid January. This is a lot sooner than I expected, given that my need is far from life-threatening, although it is something that affects my wellbeing.

Now we are in mid January, my consultation is in a couple of days, and all I have had from the counselling people is a couple of texts roughly six weeks apart saying, "We haven't forgotten you! You're still on the waiting list!"

Which sucks somewhat, considering they sent a letter to my GP saying I was a suicide risk!

(I absolutely am not, but I don't shy away from talking about feeling that way, and I had mentioned some stuff in the initial assessment that I know damn well they read as ideation when it isn't).

I know from past experience how shit the mental health services are, and they've got A LOT worse under the last government (as did all NHS services). So while I am annoyed, I am entirely unsurprised that I have not had the required mental health treatment yet. And I'm incandescent on behalf of people whose mental health is in a worse place than mine.

I am surprised by how quickly the surgical stuff has come around, though. I assumed I'd be on a waiting list for at least a year before I got an appointment.

I know I am lucky to live in a country where I don't have to pay for (most of) my health care. And I'm not really complaining, so much as pointing out the disparity between the two things I currently need.

~

Other than that, I've not got a lot else to say.

Work gave me an in-store voucher for turning up the other day when it snowed when no-one else did. No clue what I'll spend it on, but hopefully something nice will turn up :)

And I'm still chipping away slowly at P5 Tactica. I like it, and it feels for the most part, like a very "switch your brain off" game, which is weird considering its parent series, and considering it's a tactics game. But I'm enjoying it so far, and that's the main part.

I have had a really bad depressive phase over the last couple of weeks, and I hope it is finally coming to an end. I haven't felt this bad since last summer and, honestly, it was fucking awful. I know it always passes, and it doesn't always make sense why it happens, but that doesn't help when I'm in the midst of it.

Anyway, I feel all right at the moment. I'm very tired because I've not been sleeping as well/doing extra shifts at work, but that will pass/ease off, and then hopefully I will feel much better!

~

I talked to one of the ladies I work with about the person who harassed me. She is in her early sixties, and I said I was going to tell him I never wanted to speak to him ever again, and she was all, "Is that worth throwing a friendship away for?" and I said, "Yes."

She said she wouldn't do that. But I don't know that I can't trust him to not do this or something worse next time. I said it was an abuse of my trust, but I don't remember how she responded to that (I mean, given what I know about her attitudes on some other stuff, she probably thought I was being over-sensitive about the whole thing).

I've broken friendships for less than this, and sexual advances without my consent count as pretty high up on the list of things do that for.

Also: two of the younger lasses I work with (and one who's a few years older than me) were like, "YEET HIM INTO THE FUCKING SUN!" and one of them said she'd give him what for if he came into work. I haven't seen him since it happened, and I'm glad about that, because honestly I've been fucking incandescent about it.

~

My cheapo bluetooth headphones have broken! One of the side pieces has split in two. I haven't even had them a year! (I got them in January)

So I have impulse bought some Sony ones, which were very expensive (for me), even with £5 off. But I know I like Sony stuff, and the last wired pair I had were theirs, and they still work just fine, even if I can't use them because some asshats decided phones don't need 3.5mm jacks any more. I did set up my PS4 controller so I can use them with that, except it turns out I don't like not being able to hear noises in my house, and I was playing FFXII at the time, and it also turns out Gideon Emery grunting directly in my ears is, uh, extremely distracting, let's say.

I should be able to return the broken ones, as the store I got them from has a policy of being able to return electricals up to a year after buying as long as you have proof of purchase. If I can get a refund, then that will cover two thirds of the new headphones' cost. I am going to go in one day after work to check this is actually the case before I take them back, though.

(I also impulse bought some pens and a lightbox last week, oops. Gonna try to curb myself during September - I've got two weeks off that month, and I'm not planning on going anywhere, so hopefully that should help).

~

I feel like this is very disjointed, but this is literally the most that's happened recently.

I've got another Bluesky invite code if anyone wants it?

~

In other news: GUESS WHO FINALLY HAS A PAYING JOB AGAIN????

Oh yes, it is me. It is unfortunately not a library job, but it is a job and it pays me money, so I am not going to complain about it. I've only been there a week so far, but it seems to be going okay? I have a lot to learn, since it's not the same environment I've been in for the last four years, but I am sort of getting the hang of it. I think.

My shift end times don't line up with the buses on a lot of occasions, but that's the bus company's fault, not my job's. And anyway, I've been saying for years now that I want to get a bike, and this would be the perfect excuse to have one (although with the weather being like it is today - heavily raining - I wouldn't want to cycle there and back anyway).

I don't know if I will have the time or mental space to continue doing a bit at my voluntary job, but I said I'd let my boss there know once I had more of an idea of what my shifts would be like. Which I can't do at the moment as she is on holiday abroad.

~

Also I forgot to mention this when it happened, but my mood has improved a bit! I think it is the time of year - I've never liked summer, and that feeling's increased exponentially as the weather's changed for the worse over the years, so I think my worst period of the year now is late spring/all summer.

I dare say getting a job has helped, but I noticed the shift in my mood happened even before I knew I'd got it.

~

In video games news: I am into the fourth Palace in P5R, and I noticed that I am WAY overlevelled. Most of the enemies are a good five levels below everyone. This is not because I've been grinding, but I think because Akira has the accessory that gives 15% extra EXP, and also I have the extra EXP active in Mementos. I'm tempted to take it off and equip him with something else instead but also, IDK, I like not having too many problems in an Atlus game :D

I also started watching a Let's Play of Silent Hill, because it is spooky season, and because I love it. I haven't finished watching it yet, but I probably will today or tomorrow, since it's not a long game.

# I do not miss my emotions being fucky, that is for sure. The last six weeks or so feel like they've been all over the place, and I thought I was feeling better, but then I've just spent the last two days wanting to cry all the time (and also being easily provoked to cry). I woke up like that this morning, and it's not a fun feeling; I don't enjoy it.

I know it will pass but uuuuurrrghhhhh do not want in the meantime.

# In happier news, I have, after almost three decades, come round on two Manics songs I have never liked before. Which is interesting, but not entirely unexpected, as I have done this before with other songs by other artists. I don't think either song will ever be my favourite (Roses in the Hospital has some weird ass shit going on it that I am overwhelmingly neutral on), but at least I know now that I can listen to them and not immediately want to throw the CD in the bin.

(The other one is Little Baby Nothing)

# I also had a bit of spare money so I bought Lipstick Traces (a B sides and covers compilation) and National Treasures (a compilation of all the singles up to 2011) second hand. So, for now, my Manics record collection is complete.

I would like to get the reissues, and the deluxe editions, but that can wait till, I dunno, I have a paying job. I would also like Everything Must Go on vinyl, if I never manage to get anything else, because, well. Nostalgia at this point, I guess.

# I am also still listening to What Is Music? and am currently up to Journal For Plague Lovers, which is also unpleasant in content, but it invokes less horrible feelings in me than The Holy Bible. That said, I put it on the other day while I was gessoing canvases, and my mood immediately tanked, sooooo yeahhhhhh. Lesson learnt, I think.

# Nothing else to say, time to go and figure out what's for dinner.

My mental and physical health have taken a nosedive recently, so THAT'S FUN. Usually I can handle when it's one or the other, but both of them decided to tag team me, wheeeeee!

I'm not going to go into more detail than that for the moment, as I have some plate spinning that I need to deal with first, but I am going to go to the doctor about both things, so I am working on getting it sorted.

~

In other news, have a meme!

lassarina did a meme whereby someone had chosen three interests off her profile page for her to talk about, and anyone else was welcome to comment and let her pick three interests off their page, for them to talk about. So I did. And if anyone wants me to pick three for them, let me know in the comments!

Rina picked: Digital Devil Saga; Yume Nikki; Ancient Egypt

( blather under here )



I hope those were adequate explanations; if anyone wants more details/clarifications, feel free to ask!

I haven't been posting because I've had nothing to say, and I've also been in a depressive hole, so I haven't been doing much, apart from some sewing and knitting, and, for some reason, watching Johnny and Aoife play Dark Souls 3 (I finished the DS1 playthrough a few days ago). I also plan to watch Aoife and Zoe play DS2, as they're streaming it at the moment, and I have Ian's Demon's Souls streams in my Watch Later. W T F.

ANYWAY.

Once upon a time, many moons ago, I joked to myself that if I ever got into making music, all my album covers would just be colour fields (though gradients, not flat colour) because that amused me for reasons unknown.

The joke is somewhat on me, because at that point, my most recent acrylic painting, which I never finished, was a yellow to orange gradient.

Long story short, I've spent a lot of the time since fighting myself every time I want to make patterns, or mess with colour, and I have finally stopped doing that! Which is what I've spent most of my time dinking about with lately. I don't have anything to show for it as yet, but there are things, and I am doing them, and I am enjoying myself?? (I mean, being in the depressive fug I'm in, I'm not sure I'm enjoying anything right now, but I don't feel like I'm fighting myself any more).

~

Here are a couple of Among Us streams:

Outside Xbox and Dicebreaker play Among Us

Outside Xbox, Dicebreaker, and Eurogamer play Among Us - this is one of three concurrent streams (the others are on the DB and EG channels) where they played an eight player game of Among Us. You don't have to watch all three versions, but it is fun to see or catch something you didn't the first time.

I feel like I have had A Week.

Monday was okay, but then Tuesday I ended up feeling really shitty (with added crying!), so I trundled myself off to Burnley to buy art supplies I don't need.

I promised myself I didn't actually have to buy anything, ( tl;dr: but then I bought stuff because I was sad )

I haven't mentioned everything I bought, because I can imagine it's kind of boring? Especially because you can't actually see what I got? It's funny though, I've watched so many art haul videos on YT lately that I thought I should come home and make one of my own. Except that I don't have video editing software. Except that today I discovered several programs that are likely useable to me, since they work (it looks like) like movie maker in Windows. It's also just occurred to me that if I got a spare memory card, I could use my old phone for filming! That way I wouldn't have to be swapping between cards in my actual phone all the time (and, as it happens, I've got a spare card, because the one in mum's tablet never got used).

OMG I COULD BE AN ART YOUTUBER.

A TERRIBLE ONE, BUT I COULD BE ONE.

(I mean, I don't have the fancy equipment, but I've got daylight lamps, something to film with and now I could have editing software! This isn't really a path I've seriously considered, but it is something I've wanted to do for a while. Maybe I could dink about for a bit and see if I like it, and if I do, maybe upload some stuff? OMG??)

(I am making ABSOLUTELY no promises. It's just a dumb idea right now).

I think there's a bunch of reasons I felt so crap - number one being it's December, and it will be mum's birthday in a week. I think number two, although it took me till this morning, and feeling somewhat better to figure it out, is that I didn't sleep at all well on Friday night, and it's taken me this long to feel better. Also I might have a mild form of The Lurgy that is going around town, which obviously also does not help.

I feel a lot better today, though, so that's good!

~

In other news, I decided to make myself a large art pouch which can fit an A5 sketchbook plus some other bits and bobs in it.

I've seen several that people on youtube are using, and it never really occurred to me that you could have a pencil case that was bigger than normal size (aside from those ones that have zips on three sides and open like a book). I'd thought about buying one, but then it occurred to me that I could make my own, since I have everything I need right here. I've even got some upholstering material that a friend gave me years ago, some of which, it happens, is exactly the right size :D

So I'm going to do that, and it shouldn't take too long.

I also have been making cards to go in my Etsy shop, and I made Xmas cards for my nephew and brother and sister in law. It was really easy, it didn't take very long, and I had fun!

I like papercrafting (and scrapbooking papers, zomg. I could tell I didn't feel good on Tuesday because I went down the aisles in the Range with the scrapbooking stuff, but didn't give any of the papers even one glance. Usually I practically have to stand on my hands to stop myself from buying it). But, as with everything else, I'd been worried about mucking it up or making something that looked horrible. But you know what? I did okay! So I'm going to do some more things like that because if they're easy to make, and they'll sell, then why not get on and do it?

Also I watched a video last night about making your own books, so I'm going to have another go at that, too.

It's so weird. I was convinced I wouldn't know what to do with myself now I've got all this free time, and now I have too many things to do all at once, heh.

~

I think I've probably said enough here for now, so I'm going to go off and get something to eat.

So much for the thunderstorms we were supposed to have today! There was a very short one this morning at about eight thirty, and then that was it for the rest of the day. Pfft.

~

To no-one's surprise, my anxiety about the comics guys was completely unfounded!

Chris asked me how come I knew about the meeting, and was surprised when I said I'd found out via FB (because he knows I'm not on there). He said he'd asked his wife to tell me about it if she saw me (which she didn't) and also said that he hoped I'd see the message because he wanted me to come to the meet! \o/

Anyway, it was cool, fun was had, and two hours went too fast and now I have to wait till the next one.

~

Right, I tweeted about this this morning but, hopefully, you guys don't need to be told this but if someone tells you that depression runs in their family DO NOT answer with, "Yeah, I can tell by looking at you" because NO, YOU CANNOT.

What you are doing is judging me by my appearance. I get that you probably saw the scars on my arms, but you are literally the only person who has ever made anything of it. Even people who I have heard say that people self-harm for attention have never said anything to me. And scars on my arms don't necessarily indicate depression ANYWAY. But, you know, whatever.

You don't say stuff like that. You can think it, but it doesn't mean you should say it.

Anyway, it's not the first time this person has said things they really shouldn't have (like they told me two things about two other people that really weren't their thing to tell), so I'm going to have words with them next time I see them.

~

On a happier note, I've restarted FFIV DS in an attempt to actually beat it! I do not expect this to go well. On the previous save, I did get as far as the final boss, but I couldn't beat him. So now I'm going to play through the whole thing and fight every enemy I encounter, and enjoy the fact that I know this story inside out because I've played it about a billion times in the last twelve years. (It was my fave FF before XII usurped it).

I'm just about to sneak into Baron (I've just finished the obligatory sewer level), and then rescue Cid, which I think is what happens. It's been forever since I last played this which for a favourite game is awful.

Lots of things at the moment are reminding me of intensely unpleasant periods in my life and I do. not. like it.

I wish I knew how my brain worked so I could get it to stop focussing on this shit.

(P.S. I slapped the content warning tag on here because brain weasels are never fun, amirite?)