all made up with nowhere to go

I have had a really bad depressive phase over the last couple of weeks, and I hope it is finally coming to an end. I haven't felt this bad since last summer and, honestly, it was fucking awful. I know it always passes, and it doesn't always make sense why it happens, but that doesn't help when I'm in the midst of it.

Anyway, I feel all right at the moment. I'm very tired because I've not been sleeping as well/doing extra shifts at work, but that will pass/ease off, and then hopefully I will feel much better!

~

I talked to one of the ladies I work with about the person who harassed me. She is in her early sixties, and I said I was going to tell him I never wanted to speak to him ever again, and she was all, "Is that worth throwing a friendship away for?" and I said, "Yes."

She said she wouldn't do that. But I don't know that I can't trust him to not do this or something worse next time. I said it was an abuse of my trust, but I don't remember how she responded to that (I mean, given what I know about her attitudes on some other stuff, she probably thought I was being over-sensitive about the whole thing).

I've broken friendships for less than this, and sexual advances without my consent count as pretty high up on the list of things do that for.

Also: two of the younger lasses I work with (and one who's a few years older than me) were like, "YEET HIM INTO THE FUCKING SUN!" and one of them said she'd give him what for if he came into work. I haven't seen him since it happened, and I'm glad about that, because honestly I've been fucking incandescent about it.

~

My cheapo bluetooth headphones have broken! One of the side pieces has split in two. I haven't even had them a year! (I got them in January)

So I have impulse bought some Sony ones, which were very expensive (for me), even with £5 off. But I know I like Sony stuff, and the last wired pair I had were theirs, and they still work just fine, even if I can't use them because some asshats decided phones don't need 3.5mm jacks any more. I did set up my PS4 controller so I can use them with that, except it turns out I don't like not being able to hear noises in my house, and I was playing FFXII at the time, and it also turns out Gideon Emery grunting directly in my ears is, uh, extremely distracting, let's say.

I should be able to return the broken ones, as the store I got them from has a policy of being able to return electricals up to a year after buying as long as you have proof of purchase. If I can get a refund, then that will cover two thirds of the new headphones' cost. I am going to go in one day after work to check this is actually the case before I take them back, though.

(I also impulse bought some pens and a lightbox last week, oops. Gonna try to curb myself during September - I've got two weeks off that month, and I'm not planning on going anywhere, so hopefully that should help).

~

I feel like this is very disjointed, but this is literally the most that's happened recently.

(if you feel like you've read part of this before, you may have; I accidentally hit post earlier).

For most of this year, I have been dissatisfied with my output of "stuff" this year. Not the amount of it, because I've made a lot of things, and I've put a heck of a lot of work into the abominations story. But generally, I've made a thing, looked at it, and gone, oh.

Like, literally nothing I have done has pleased me (apart from the aforementioned storying, because I think I can't plot for shit, and that thing has a full-blown plot. Ditto for the magical girl story, as it happens. THAT SAID. I know I am going to not get sufficient feedback from one person I asked to look through the one story, and that makes me feel sad. Because she has this horrible trait of not pointing out any flaws in anything, ever, and even when I point flaws out, she'll gloss over it and I dislike that about her. She's a great friend, I love her to bits, but I wish she'd be a bit more critical sometimes).

I could get really negative here. But I'm not going to. I'm sure you can probably imagine what I'm thinking. (Also not helped by the fact that I just sort of had an argument with my mum, so now I'm feeling doubly shit).

It's not even art guilt, it's just feeling perpetually underwhelmed and frustrated by my skills or self-perceived lack of them.

I'm also really fed up with tumblr. I'm fed up of the in-fighting in fandoms. Fandoms are supposed to be fun. We're supposed to share our love of a medium, not spend time shitting on other people who don't agree with us*. (Not that I do this, you understand, but it's how it feels to me). I'm fed up of people assuming if you like a character who isn't as pure as the driven snow that that means you condone all their (fictional) actions (I know some people do, but personally I don't)**. (This is an exaggeration, although honestly this is how it feels ALL THE SODDING TIME AND I HATE IT).

I'm also fed up of being told parts of my personality/experience aren't valid. Nobody's done it directly (partly because I don't interact much with anyone on there), but that doesn't matter. I don't need it. I'm sick of it.

And my internet has been shit for over a year now***, which doesn't help because tumblr is so image-oriented, and everyone has image-heavy custom themes (well, OK, not everyone, but you know what I mean), so everything takes three hours to load (a slight exaggeration), and that makes everything not fun, too.

*It frequently makes me feel really sad, because Farscape was my first online fandom that I participated in and, for the most part, everyone was really nice to each other. Even when we disagreed. If there was shit flinging I either didn't know about it, or didn't see much of it.

**My favourite example here is Wesker, because he's been one of my fave RE characters since forever ago. Do I condone ANYTHING he does in any of the games he's in? No I do not.

***Local council done fucked up when doing something to the road and, because we are a small village in the middle of nowhere/the upper end of the valley, we don't matter as the large town where the council's based.

YAY SHITTY MOOD WITH TEARS.

(this is especially irritating after a great afternoon where I looked up stuff about languages and listened to a German radio station online (it's called Radio Alpenmelodie for anyone who's interested, though it may not be to everyone's tastes. I liked it) ).

PFFT. FUCK YOU, MOODS. WHAT EVEN ARE YOU.

(I'll be better after sleep, no doubt. Sleep cures all ills).

I feel better now. Think I just needed something to eat. GODDAMNIT BLOOD SUGAR STOP DOING THIS TO ME.

~*~

I am currently playing Fable II again. Because I can. I'm supposed to be being horribly evil, and I can't do it (entirely). I am also killing everything with fire, because why the hell not? (The game keeps saying, "Oh, but you can afford this spell now!" and I'm all, "I DON'T WANT THAT SPELL IT'S NOT FIRE") (in fact the only other thing I am using my EXP for is HP because fuck that shit I'm not using weapons if I can help it) (even if they do help out a bit when you're completely surrounded).

My dude did have horns, but has since lost them because he keeps eating celery (making the switch to potions soon, but I've got to get rid of all that food I keep stealing finding in other people's houses). Already I am up to having to go to the Spire to find Garth (I don't wanna!) so I'm avoiding it by doing sidequests instead. Which I believe is what I did last time, but I didn't document it, so who knows?

~*~

I've also spent three days being utterly distracted by languages on tumblr. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW PEOPLE RAN LANGUAGE BLOGS ON THERE. I didn't know why they would! But they do! And it's glorious!

~*~

(Finally: I have sort of given up on Gurren Langan for the time being. I've just not been bothered to watch it, and I've been doing other things. I might take it up again when I am back at work (off till the 6th of Jan, wheeeeeee!)

FUCK IT I CAN'T EVEN.

Is there an alarm clock I can set to wake me up in six months' time?

Had a bit of a dip over the last couple of days. Nothing too serious, I hope. I mean, I haven't so much felt depressed as just flaming angry and easily irritated. Which hasn't really helped. I felt awful this morning, but I think that's a hang over from getting upset last night, and then staying up till gone two in the morning because I just didn't feel tired.

I know exactly what the problem is, but it's not something that's easily solvable (sadly).

I still want to cry at everything, but I figure that's because I am (now constantly) premenstrual. Yaaaaaaay.

~*~

On a HAPPIER note:

I have a small army of scrap monsters. Well, four, with a fifth on the way. Two I'm keeping (one I'm working on a project with, which I will post more about later in the week), and the other three are for sale, and will be up in my store at some point in the VERY near future.

\o/

Questions about tumblr:

1. Is it considered bad manners to reblog yourself? Not that I've really wanted to, but I just wondered. I also don't think it is when I see it happening, I just wanted to know was all.

1a. I think it's quite irritating when owners of communal blogs (for want of a better word; like people who run a "fuck yeah" page) advertise their personal blog and ask you to follow it. What do you think? Am I just a grumpy?

(I mean, if you're going to check out their personal blog, you'll either leave them an ask, or find a link to it, if there's an info page, right?)

2. How do tracked tags work? I mean, I can kind of figure it out, but do you get notified when someone posts something with that tag?

This is partly me being lazy, and I totally don't mind being given a link to a tumblr FAQ if there is one (is there one? I fail so much; I'm all like, "YAY PRETTY PICTURES! \o/" and...I don't know anything else).

3. I know I have a sketch blog, but I kind of want to make another blog for more finished works (so sort of like an online portfolio). Obviously it will be updated less regularly than the sketch blog, but...I kind of don't know. Is that a stupid thing to do or not?

OK, I'm done now.

~*~

Started doing a drawing of Beth (the heroine) from SMTII, and it's coming out OK! I am pleased about this! (I always love it when a fanart works. Hell, I love it when any art works).

I generally stick to the rule of "if I haven't played it, I don't do art of it", but I've loved her design since I got into the series (two years ago!!1!) It's an attempt to do more Megaten art. Might as well start with something I am having fun with, right? (I totally do intend to play SMTII, just not yet).

~*~

I'm not feeling much better, to be honest, but at least I didn't cry today. So there's some improvement, I guess.

It's been ages since I posted a pic I'd done on my journal (I secretly think my sketchblog is making me lazier than I already am).

So here's a picture of Morpheus (no, not THAT one):

( Read more... )

(On making new tags, I feel I should differentiate between Morpheus-the-Sandman and that dude from that film, but...I talk so little about either of them that it probably doesn't matter?)

I spent most of the day writing and an hour trying to draw on the PC. It mostly failed, apart from that above, and an evil looking Hadrosaur saying "Don't be stupid. Dinosaurs can't talk." (What can I say? I'm easily amused).

~*~

Right now my brain is full of "what is this i don't even" so I don't honestly have much of anything to say. Except that I should probably stop reading things and listening to music that make me sad or want to cry. Except that I won't, because I never learn.