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(if you feel like you've read part of this before, you may have; I accidentally hit post earlier).
For most of this year, I have been dissatisfied with my output of "stuff" this year. Not the amount of it, because I've made a lot of things, and I've put a heck of a lot of work into the abominations story. But generally, I've made a thing, looked at it, and gone, oh.
Like, literally nothing I have done has pleased me (apart from the aforementioned storying, because I think I can't plot for shit, and that thing has a full-blown plot. Ditto for the magical girl story, as it happens. THAT SAID. I know I am going to not get sufficient feedback from one person I asked to look through the one story, and that makes me feel sad. Because she has this horrible trait of not pointing out any flaws in anything, ever, and even when I point flaws out, she'll gloss over it and I dislike that about her. She's a great friend, I love her to bits, but I wish she'd be a bit more critical sometimes).
I could get really negative here. But I'm not going to. I'm sure you can probably imagine what I'm thinking. (Also not helped by the fact that I just sort of had an argument with my mum, so now I'm feeling doubly shit).
It's not even art guilt, it's just feeling perpetually underwhelmed and frustrated by my skills or self-perceived lack of them.
I'm also really fed up with tumblr. I'm fed up of the in-fighting in fandoms. Fandoms are supposed to be fun. We're supposed to share our love of a medium, not spend time shitting on other people who don't agree with us*. (Not that I do this, you understand, but it's how it feels to me). I'm fed up of people assuming if you like a character who isn't as pure as the driven snow that that means you condone all their (fictional) actions (I know some people do, but personally I don't)**. (This is an exaggeration, although honestly this is how it feels ALL THE SODDING TIME AND I HATE IT).
I'm also fed up of being told parts of my personality/experience aren't valid. Nobody's done it directly (partly because I don't interact much with anyone on there), but that doesn't matter. I don't need it. I'm sick of it.
And my internet has been shit for over a year now***, which doesn't help because tumblr is so image-oriented, and everyone has image-heavy custom themes (well, OK, not everyone, but you know what I mean), so everything takes three hours to load (a slight exaggeration), and that makes everything not fun, too.
*It frequently makes me feel really sad, because Farscape was my first online fandom that I participated in and, for the most part, everyone was really nice to each other. Even when we disagreed. If there was shit flinging I either didn't know about it, or didn't see much of it.
**My favourite example here is Wesker, because he's been one of my fave RE characters since forever ago. Do I condone ANYTHING he does in any of the games he's in? No I do not.
***Local council done fucked up when doing something to the road and, because we are a small village in the middle of nowhere/the upper end of the valley, we don't matter as the large town where the council's based.
For most of this year, I have been dissatisfied with my output of "stuff" this year. Not the amount of it, because I've made a lot of things, and I've put a heck of a lot of work into the abominations story. But generally, I've made a thing, looked at it, and gone, oh.
Like, literally nothing I have done has pleased me (apart from the aforementioned storying, because I think I can't plot for shit, and that thing has a full-blown plot. Ditto for the magical girl story, as it happens. THAT SAID. I know I am going to not get sufficient feedback from one person I asked to look through the one story, and that makes me feel sad. Because she has this horrible trait of not pointing out any flaws in anything, ever, and even when I point flaws out, she'll gloss over it and I dislike that about her. She's a great friend, I love her to bits, but I wish she'd be a bit more critical sometimes).
I could get really negative here. But I'm not going to. I'm sure you can probably imagine what I'm thinking. (Also not helped by the fact that I just sort of had an argument with my mum, so now I'm feeling doubly shit).
It's not even art guilt, it's just feeling perpetually underwhelmed and frustrated by my skills or self-perceived lack of them.
I'm also really fed up with tumblr. I'm fed up of the in-fighting in fandoms. Fandoms are supposed to be fun. We're supposed to share our love of a medium, not spend time shitting on other people who don't agree with us*. (Not that I do this, you understand, but it's how it feels to me). I'm fed up of people assuming if you like a character who isn't as pure as the driven snow that that means you condone all their (fictional) actions (I know some people do, but personally I don't)**. (This is an exaggeration, although honestly this is how it feels ALL THE SODDING TIME AND I HATE IT).
I'm also fed up of being told parts of my personality/experience aren't valid. Nobody's done it directly (partly because I don't interact much with anyone on there), but that doesn't matter. I don't need it. I'm sick of it.
And my internet has been shit for over a year now***, which doesn't help because tumblr is so image-oriented, and everyone has image-heavy custom themes (well, OK, not everyone, but you know what I mean), so everything takes three hours to load (a slight exaggeration), and that makes everything not fun, too.
*It frequently makes me feel really sad, because Farscape was my first online fandom that I participated in and, for the most part, everyone was really nice to each other. Even when we disagreed. If there was shit flinging I either didn't know about it, or didn't see much of it.
**My favourite example here is Wesker, because he's been one of my fave RE characters since forever ago. Do I condone ANYTHING he does in any of the games he's in? No I do not.
***Local council done fucked up when doing something to the road and, because we are a small village in the middle of nowhere/the upper end of the valley, we don't matter as the large town where the council's based.