all made up with nowhere to go

It was my birthday on Monday, and now I am 45 years old.

Which feels fake, if you ask me. I do not feel like a 45 year old person. And yet I am.

I didn't do anything - just stayed in and chilled. Watched Labyrinth and Back to the Future. Then got bored of watching films, because I prefer to watch films with someone, and I do not have anyone else at the moment. So I watched a bunch of stuff on youtube instead.

I had the preceding week off work, and I'm not entirely sure I know where it went. I had a nurse's appointment and a dentist appointment, but they were on two separate days, so it's not like either of those swallowed one entire day. (Although I had shenanigans with the buses on the day of the dentist appt, so that swallowed more of the day than I would have liked).

Before I was off work, one of the ladies that I work with gave me a sewing machine that she wanted to get rid of, as she was having a clean out, and she'd never used it. It's pretty basic, but it does some fancy stuff (buttonholes, basic overlocking). I have tested it but not really messed with it much, but I am looking forward to using it. I would like to be able to make some clothes with it, because that way I can make things I like the look of, from the type of fabric I would like (natural fibres). I am already daydreaming about things beyond my skill level, lol.

Well, I say that, but actually making a basic jacket is one of the things I want to do, and really it's not that hard. I say, hubristically. But also my mum made her own clothes at one point, so I have books on how to make stuff as well as the internet so, fingers crossed, I might be okay!

Other than that, I thought work might be calming down, but no chance! I should know better by this point! Also I finally joined my workplace's union - I'd thought about it when I first started the job, but didn't think I'd be there very long, then didn't really think about it after that. But then the union rep asked me about joining yesterday (she's been on a bit of a mission to recruit members lately for reasons I'm not going into on a public post), so I did. It's only taken me two and a half years, heh.

I have also been doing some boring house stuff (mostly decluttering cupboards) and now I need to do another tip run before I can do the next bits.

And that's really it for the time being! Time to go and look at some books, I guess!

I have just bought myself a desktop PC, and I am screaming, y'all. Because it was a lot of money at once, and whoops my hand slipped? ;)

But. I had WAY more money in the bank than I was expecting, one week out from payday. Also next month I will be 45, and I feel like that is significant enough reason to treat myself, right?

Also it was this or a PS5 and, while the PS5 would have been cheaper, I can do more than just play games on a computer (though I did buy it for playing games, make no mistake).

I also bought a controller to go with it that has cherry blossom patterns all over because a) I wanted one anyway (I think my hands are too fucky for keyboard and mouse*) and b) I am a weeb and I make no bones about that fact (not any more, anyway).

Anyway, it qualified for free next day delivery somehow, so it is arriving tomorrow!! Weather permitting, of course, because it snowed overnight.

I am very excite! But also feeling weird, because it was a lot of money for me to spend all in one go.

For anyone who cares, it is an ASUS V500, with a 1TB SSD, with 16Gb memory (upgradeable to 32Gb), and an Intel i7 processor. It isn't specifically a gaming rig, but I'm not bothered by that - it will do what I want it to, no hassle. It also will have enough USB ports for me to able to plug everything in, and maybe have some left over (I think it has seven or thereabouts in total?)

So obviously now part of my time off from work this week will be taken up by playing with that, rather than the house stuff I had intended to do (I'm still painting the hallway, though, because eff leaving that again when I know I'm capable of doing it this time).

~

*though I am aware that not every game I want to play will have controller support, but as long as most of them do, that's okay with me.

A sort of list post:

# Work continues to...exist? I guess? The current situation, especially in my department, is a whole load of Not Great. Which I'm not going to go into detail about on an unlocked post, and I'm unlikely to ever make a locked post about it, since I don't really do those. But it's not a fun time, and I am so glad I have had another week off, even though it is only two weeks after the last one.

(I was a bit miffed it turned out that way to start with, but then sitting here now, I'm kind of glad it did, because I really freaking needed this week off).

# Me and a friend from work took some stuff to the tip the other day, as it was pure coincidence we both had the same week off (almost like we planned it, but we didn't). I am so glad to have that stuff gone - most of it has been waiting for literal months, but I've been at work so much lately that I haven't had the time or the energy (or an available person with transport).

But I'm glad that's out of the way. I'm sure there'll be another load to go, but that isn't for some time yet, and maybe that will be the last of it.

# My nephew, who will be THIRTEEN on his next birthday, is getting a PC for part of his presents. When I went to visit on my brother's birthday, I was told this, and my nephew said he didn't even know what he'd play on it (he has been mostly a Switch gamer up to this point).

So, me being me, I said: "Final Fantasy XIV!"

Which then led into my nephew saying he'd never played an FF game. I think I said I wasn't sure if he'd like them (he hasn't played any RPGs, to my knowledge), but I said I would have to show him FFXII at some point (because I'm me).

# And then talking of Final Fantasy! Specifically music!

I have started, over the last few days catching myself up on FF music I have missed out on - so that means FFXI, FFXIV, and some of the Tactics stuff and some other stuff besides. I also am listening to more stuff by Hitoshi Sakimoto, because I think he is my favourite composer, and not just because he scored my favourite video game of all time. I just, I dunno, I like his general vibe!

ANYWAY THE POINT IS THAT I AM HAVING AN ABSOLUTE BLAST.

Like, I am finding so much stuff that I didn't know or think I would like, and then there's also arranged versions of tracks I already know, and then orchestrated versions of stuff! I wish I could adequately explain how listening to music makes me feel, but I don't think I can get it across in text apart from maybe !!! but that's a happy !!!

And I'm in a pretty positive mood a lot lately*, and that's only making the !!! more intense. Which is fucking delightful, let me tell you!

I have done a lot of (positive) muttering to myself while listening to stuff, as it is only me and the cat, and she doesn't care how I feel about music (unless I try to play her a sea shanty). I have also tried to convince myself that no-one needs to hear my thoughts about the things I'm listening to. Because y'all do not, I promise you.

# And finally, also on an FF note: I saw someone describe Stranger of Paradise as "the most underrated Final Fantasy game ever". And like, absolutely not, my dude.

I'm sure there is one, but it isn't that. (My opinions do not count here, because ninety percent of my FF opinions run counter to the fandom at large).

~

*It feels weird saying this, considering how shit things are at work, and how bad it's recently made me feel, but it is true. I feel pretty okay, and find myself smiling for no reason, and just feeling chill. Which is nice!

Some things, a list:

# it feels very autumnal this morning, and I am absolutely loving it!

# It was a good job I impulsively bought that heated airer, because the other morning, literally as I was about to go out of the door to work, my other (non-heated) airer broke on one side!

So I had to prop it up on some stuff, so that the wet washing wasn't touching the floor. I hoped it wouldn't collapse entirely while I was out of the house, and it did not, and I was pleased about that.

But yeah, that was a good call on past me's part!

# I have started rewatching the X-Men films because of partly spurious reasons (that you don't get to know), and partly because I dunno, it's been a while since I watched them last, and I haven't seen the more recent ones - I only got as far as Days of Future Past last time, despite buying Apocalypse at the time (I have had to buy Dark Phoenix, and I also got New Mutants, so now I feel my collection is complete :D )

I have a lot of nostalgia for the first film, but it is Not Good. The writing is awful, apart from a couple of lines here and there, and I spent some of the time wondering how some of the cast (primarily Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen) could say some of that with a completely straight face (but I guess that's why they call it acting, right? ;) - turns out I made exactly the same comment when I watched it ten years ago, lol ). That said, "I saved your life!" "No, you didn't." and "You ain't part of the group." have lived rent free in my head for the last twenty odd years, so...eh.

I feel X2 is better written and better paced, but I still feel like there's too much going on at once. I think they should have picked one thing and stuck to it rather than trying to cram two stories in there and added Phoenix stuff out of nowhere.

I have mixed feelings about how I will feel about X3, but I'll cross that bridge when I eventually get to it

# I have managed to finally make a tangible change in the house wrt redecorating! \o/ it's about bloody time!! I have new carpeting on the landing upstairs, which is probably a mistake because I haven't sorted the walls out yet (whether painting or wallpapering), but whatever. It is A Thing, and I did it, and I am stupid proud of myself!

# Nobody cares that I am playing Umamusume: Pretty Derby, but I wanted a list of my current wins, so I'm slapping it under a cut here:

( Read more... )

# I've got nothing else for the time being, I haven't really had a lot of time outside of work to do anything even remotely interesting. But perhaps that will change, who knows!

Bullet points because I don't do coherent segues!

# I am not going to talk about how many hours I am working this week, suffice to say it's ridiculous. One shift was my own fault for taking it on, but the rest were not.

Maybe I'll whine about it next week.

# I was supposed to have counselling today, but I got a text from my counsellor very early on saying she was sorry, but she had to postpone our session because she wasn't feeling well. Which is fair! And also I'm relieved, because I didn't have anything specific to talk about, apart from telling her how my new meds are going. I'm hoping next time I speak to her, I will have a bigger update for her/something else to talk about, hopefully.

# I'm changing my mind about what I want to do with (some of) the walls in my house - I was originally going to wallpaper upstairs and paint downstairs, but now I think I might just paint the lot? Especially because I think the colour I picked for the hallway has been discontinued??? I have one can of it, but that won't be enough for all the walls that will need doing.

But it's annoying, because they've literally made this colour FOR YEARS, and now I choose it as the one I want, I can't get it anywhere!

(There is a similar colour by the same company, which hopefully is still in production, so I can get that, but I am currently very >:( at it all).

I don't know what I will do with the wallpaper I haven't used, though. (I did think about partially papering the front bedroom, but idk right now).

# Wyrdwood season 2 starts on Friday! I am very excite!! I won't get to watch it till at least Sunday evening, but I am excite all the same!

House stuff!

I bought some wallpaper and it is here, as is the paste. I severely underestimated how long it would take to strip the old wallpaper off the walls (I thought it would be easy, given its advanced age, hahahaha). So I'm going to cheat with a couple of the walls (one has a plug socket, and I don't want water running down into it for obvious reasons), and just paper straight over them.

Besides, I will have plenty more opportunities to strip old wallpaper, as I decided I'm going to paint the downstairs hallway and also the stairs walls.

I bought a paint tester of a very pale blue Dulux paint* the other day, stripped a bit of the wall, and applied it. And although it's not as pale as I anticipated now it's dried, I think it's the right choice. The hallway/staircase is the darkest section of the house, so it needs something to brighten it up. Now I just need to strip the walls, heh. But that can wait. I'm wallpapering first!

I'm also going to repaint the cupboard/room doors, as they really need it, and they are currently a boring cream colour. They'll probably end up some shade of blue or green, but a lot darker than the walls, I'm thinking. But that's for a much later date to think about.

~

In non-house news, I bought Balatro, and I am thoroughly suckered into that game, omg. I don't know as I understand the rules one hundred percent, but I'm having fun. Which is the main thing!

I also discovered some new artists, and spent a lot of yesterday on pinterest just looking at art, which was nice! I also woke up excited to draw, and I did actually then do that! Not a lot, but I am focussing on drawing people, as it's something I want to do, and miss doing. It's also my comfort zone, as it's something I've done (almost) persistently since I was a teenager and I taught myself to draw.

And because of the one artist I discovered, I thought about buying myself an A3 sketchbook for a birthday present. This is not a new urge, I was going to do it a year ago, but I didn't (for whatever reason; it's possible the store I was in didn't have the exact thing I wanted, so I couldn't get it). HOWEVER. When I used an A4 sketchbook about a year ago, I was like, "FUCK ME THIS THING IS MASSIVE!" as I'd got used to drawing in smaller (A5) books. So an A3 one feels like infinite massiveness in comparison.

(But I get why that artist uses sketchbooks that size - her art is very detailed and, obviously, the bigger you draw, the more detail you can put in. I myself do not really do very detailed work, so do I need a book that big? Probably not).

I also also did a run to a charity shop the other day. It's needed doing, and I was just putting it off. And it got me out of the house. The stuff I was taking wasn't particularly heavy, more bulky and, while it was a pain in the arse to take on the bus, I did it, and now it's done. And I am going again next week with some more stuff, but possibly not to the same place.

~

*Mineral Mist, for anyone who's interested.

In which this has been a week:

~ I rode my bike to work on New Year's Day, as there were no buses. I did not ride it all the way, and I could not ride it home (because gentle yet deceptive gradient, boo). So I had to walk with it almost all the way. Also it was raining.

~ I injured my right ring fingertip on some metalwork while cleaning on Friday evening, and it obviously hasn't healed properly yet because it's on a fingertip of my dominant hand, so I keep catching it on stuff and setting it off bleeding again. Fun times!

~ And then! It snowed on Saturday night. Which, again, meant no buses because although the main roads were clear, because of the diversions, nothing could get into town (or drivers, probably, depending on where they live).

I checked to see if I had messages from anyone else about whether they were going in. I did not. So foolishly, I set off walking. In three inches of snow. For three miles. While it was still snowing.

Anyway, tl;dr version: nobody else in my dept had come in, so it was open, but it was extremely bare bones because there was only me.

And then I had to walk home because there were still no buses, and I didn't know if taxis were running, and I couldn't be arsed to find out. Also it was raining. But I was going home, so I didn't mind so much.

It was so weird, though, because there were so few people/not a lot of traffic around, it felt like being in some strange, post-apocalyptic environment. Like, there were signs there'd been life here, but there wasn't much evidence of it. (Work was, well, work. Just with less people than usual - both coworkers and customers).

I'm glad I've got today and tomorrow off, though, because although I don't feel as shit as I was expecting to, I don't feel great, so at least I can just bimble around the house and not do too much.

#

In other news:

~ I rewatched all of Oxventure Wyrdwood, and now I want to rewatch it again, heh. It's given me a mighty craving for all things folk horror-y (I mean, it had already but now it's really intense). I am currently watching Golden Rodent play Balatro, however.

~ Me and Sarah hung out for a bit last week and got spooked by a goat just staring at us (I mean, of all the farm animals it could have been, and while I was telling her about Wyrdwood as well!)

~ I bought an air fryer instead of a new microwave. I figured I didn't use the micro that much, whereas I use my oven/stove more, and would like to cut down on my (frankly ludicrous) gas bill.

I have next to no idea what I can do with it (yet), but I am looking forward to maybe getting back into baking again, and also perhaps making slightly more complex dishes than I do currently.

~ I bought and started playing Persona 5 Tactica. I am about three hours in and have few thoughts beyond "art style is cool", "I like Erina (and her costume design)" and "Toshiro needs a good slap upside the head because he is, in part, a predictable Japanese male character".

#

I think that is everything for now. I can't be arsed doing a post summing up 2024. It was pretty shit for the most part. I'm glad to see the back of it. Hopefully 2025 might be better, but honestly who knows.

I almost have a clear side in the front bedroom! \o/

I just need to sort and store some more stuff, and do a run to the tip and then it's more or less sorted! I also need to do a charity shop run, but there's less stuff needs to go there than the tip, so it's that that is the priority.

I am also thinking about getting rid of the one chest of drawers and the bedside cabinet, as there is entirely too much furniture in that room (one of its many problems). I don't have a use for the cabinet, and the chest of drawers got water damaged, so it's not really useable any more.

There is some shelving as well that mum wanted rid of, but it needs the contents going through first. Some of it can and will be stored, since I now have room for that, and the rest can be dealt with accordingly.

There's also a sideboard, and I keep swinging between keeping it or not. I sense probably not, eventually, as I have no use for it, and I don't think it even got properly used as a sideboard ever. But I know it was made in the furniture factory where my dad used to work, so I am sort of sentimental about it, even though I think y'all know how I feel about my dad at this point. But I've got time to think about it, as I need to tackle other stuff around it first.

(I feel like I should have been tagging these posts, so I can look through them all at a later date, but I don't know what to name them, sigh).

But yeah, I'm definitely feeling really positive about this now, even though I've been grossly unhappy with the circumstances that forced it to happen. I may explain about that at some point in the future, or I may not, I don't know (and you probably don't want to hear it anyway).

~

In other news, I have been playing with some paint markers I impulse bought a couple of months ago!

About a year ago, I made a small sketchbook from kraft card after being influenced by an artist I'd discovered who drew in toned sketchbooks. I used it, like, twice, and then forgot about it.

Then it was Back to School sales in late August, and I impulse bought some Sharpie paint pens (Creative Markers; bullet tips), because I was curious about them, and I knew I would be less precious about them than Poscas, even though they cost nearly as much as a set of Poscas. ANYWAY.

I thought they'd look good on the kraft card, and I was right! So I've just been messing about making patterns and stuff, and really enjoying it! Which is nice. It feels like I haven't done a whole lot of drawing this year, and I've missed it. I think, currently, I prefer paint pens over actual paint, but maybe I'll get back into painting once I have more space in which to do it. Or maybe I won't! WHO KNOWS.

Anyway, I have been drawing and feeling good about it, and I am probably going to do some more drawing, and then I might finally upload stuff to my sketchblog after best part of a year. Again, WHO KNOWS? IT MYSTERY.

I am just on the last day of another week off work (and I have another one coming up in two weeks' time, lol. I didn't book my holidays at all except my birthday next year, so my manager assigned me these and I ain't complaining. Though I should have taken time off sooner than now, but whatever).

Anyway:

On this Monday just gone, I had my assessment phonecall for the counselling I referred myself for. I liked the lady I spoke to, which was good, since I assume it's her I will be having the sessions with. She said it may be up to two months before we actually get to the counselling, but hopefully it will be sooner. I'm honestly not surprised, waiting lists are what they are, and they're not going to improve any time soon. Luckily, although I've had some bad days this week, I'm not in a terrible place in general, so can probably stick out the wait time.

Then Friday, I was meant to be going to Burnley. Originally with a couple of the ladies I work with, but that didn't pan out, so then on my own. Except I discovered early in the morning that my front door was refusing to lock properly. So I had to call the housing association to send out someone to sort it. Which they did, and luckily it was a really easy fix - it just needed some air and oil to get the lock moving again, as it was gunked up from thirty years of use. So that threw me off somewhat.

I decided - unwisely - to go to Burnley in the afternoon, and not only did my mood crash horrifically, but I caught the bus home with the college students, and that was an unfun time. I should've aimed for the next one instead, but by that point, I just wanted to go home again. But. I did manage to get some birthday presents for my nephew (unsure if he will like them, but what even are 12 year olds into these days?) And I also got myself a full length mirror, because I am feeling (somewhat) better about my physical self, and I want to take pictures of my outfits, even if I never upload them anywhere.

Other than that, I've mostly mooched around, although I lost a couple of days to migraines (thanks no thanks low air pressure). I spent a good chunk of yesterday doing sorting through more of mum's stuff. I now have more space in the front bedroom than ever, and I'm feeling really good about it - there's been times in the past few months where things have felt insurmountable, so I'm glad that's passing, or at least diminished for now. I don't know that I will have that space as a useable workroom by the end of the year, but it definitely feels closer to becoming reality than it did before.

I don't know how to end this entry, so I'm just going to stop here.

So, ever since 2020, I have been thinking about redecorating my house. It really freaking needs it for various reasons and it hasn't got done.

About a month or so ago, I was measuring the downstairs hallway to get an idea of how much flooring I would need (I'd like tiles, ideally), and I looked up carpet prices and holy moly is it expensive! So I was like, ugh, really I need to make lots of money before I can even think about doing a tiny part of the house. And my house isn't massive - it's essentially a two up two down terraced council house - so it's not like I even have a lot of space to cover with new carpet or wallpaper (or paint).

Anyway, on Monday, I ended going on a wild goose chase to Burnley, and ended up in the DIY departments of The Range and B&M. And because I was in the DIY bits, I was looking at paint, and wallpaper, and carpet tiles which were not what I was there for, but which I had a look at anyway. And like. I know I would be better off buying from somewhere that isn't super cheap, because I'll likely regret it. But it kind of gave me ideas for what I might want to do, and got me thinking about wallpapering one wall in the hallway, just to see how it would turn out (and if I could do it, heh).

I did almost buy a wallpaper scraper while I was there, but I'm almost certain I should already have one. I just need to find it. And it's not like I have any new wallpaper yet anyway. And I might paint it anyway, who knows.

~

Also while I was in Burnley, I bought some things I didn't need, which included this sewing book, and a set of tarot cards.

The book was 50p brand new(!!), and the tarot cards were half price. I don't really need another set of cards, as I already have two, but I wanted one that I'd bought myself (the ones I already own had belonged to other people).

I got the book because it has a pattern in it for making a simple drawstring bag that I immediately looked at and went, "that looks like a dice bag!" But on flicking through it again (I originally got it out from the library), there's a few other projects in there that have piqued my interest, including what the author describes as a boro cushion cover, but it isn't really. But I am going to make my own version, as I've wanted to make a cushion cover since the beginning of the year, but not done it for reasons I can't actually fathom at the moment.

I also want to make a bojagi inspired blind for one of my windows, so I think I will do that when I've finished the cushion cover. I say inspired, because I did learn how to do proper bojagi hems, but I find them quite tedious to do, so I'm going to do something similar, but not the same. That's something I've been putting off since last summer.

And then, of course, looking through that book reminded me this morning that I haven't looked properly at the boro book I bought for my birthday! Which was three months ago now! So perhaps I need to do that at some point soon, too.

~

Also, apologies for me taking ages to do this, but here's a link to pics of my tattoos when they were freshly done!

And that's all I've got for now, because mostly my life is the same old, same old at the moment.