all made up with nowhere to go

Okay, so, things I did that weren't leaving my job:

# I watched a longplay of RE2, because I was apparently in the mood for it. I watched a Claire A/Leon B, and was frustrated that, while there are playlists of Leon A/Claire B, there doesn't seem to be a hecking chonky video like there is for the other route :(

Before you ask, no, I will not be watching the remake. Ever. I prefer my zombies low-res, thanks.

# I also watched a longplay of RE3 yesterday (also not the remake), although I'm not sure of how much of it I took in, thanks to mush brain.

# I tried watching a longplay of the Darkside Chronicles and had to give up because a) it was first person, so I felt a bit motion sick, and b) I dunno, it just wasn't really working for me. I couldn't even get to the Police Station to see if they'd redone the music and if they'd ruined the Front Hall (which is my fave off the soundtrack).

# I watched my new favourite streamer play Bugsnax! I didn't watch Ellen when she played it for Oxtra, because I didn't think I'd like it (I have issues with food, so I thought it might be a vague problem). But I started watching, on the proviso I could switch it off if I wanted, and I actually kind of enjoyed it!

# I watched this video by Cat Graffam, about why she quit using Instagram. Usually I don't watch these sorts of videos, unless it's an artist I care about (I've heard of her, but never seen her work before now), but this one was really informative about the ways Instagram works against artists/creative people.

# I found the perfect screen from Oblivion to describe me (image linked says "You don't have enough coffee").

# I also went a wee bit overboard making banners for my membership tiers on ko-fi.
Nothing is live yet*, but it is a thing I am working on! In case you are interested!

*basic memberships from £1 a month are, but you don't (currently) get anything for it, except a warm glow (not guaranteed).

# and that's pretty much everything for the time being!

Some things!

# I learnt a new embroidery stitch a couple of days ago - open chain stitch - and it wasn't difficult, and now I have some ideas! (they are very nebulous, but they are ideas, nonetheless).

# I also discovered, by accident*, a bunch of videos on youtube about using watercolour with embroidery, and I want to have a go at that, because I think it will be interesting! It is something I've previously thought about, but just not followed through with.

Also I have - not even joking - a ginormous pile of white cotton fabric, so now I know what I can do with some of it!

*I was looking for abstract embroidery videos, hence the accidental.

# I belatedly watched Johnny streaming a game called Inscryption, which is a roguelike deck building card game that actually looks/sounds more fascinating than I thought it might!

HOWEVER, I offer a caveat: if you watch this stream, please be aware that there are a few horrific elements (although not super graphic, thankfully), involving the human body, so if that kind of thing upsets you, you may be better off not watching.

Johnny does try to warn for when it happens, but the first one and at least one other catches them off-guard, because they didn't know what would happen, as they hadn't played this game before. So. Just be aware of that if you decide to watch this stream.

They have also played Unpacking, which I won't link to, because I doubt y'all are interested in the third stream of it in a month (also if you're that interested, you can check out their channel from the stream link above!)

# I've been looking at microscope photography on pinterest, because that sort of thing absolutely fascinates me. I decided to look in part because some of the embroidery I've been pinning looks like cell photos**, so I was intrigued to see what inspiration I could find.

I did not expect to find stuff similar to things I'd been drawing, however! (this is my microscope board, if you're at all interested).

So that was a nice and weird surprise. And, oddly, it makes me feel less guilty about drawing stuff like this? (I have hang-ups about non-representational/abstract art that are 90% my own thing I need to work through, hence the strange guilt).

**You might have to do some digging, depending on how much I've pinned when you get to the board, sorry!

# I think that's everything for now!

Related to yesterday's post, I realised that I watch two artists on youtube (one of whom was the one I was talking about in that post), and both of them talk a lot about their OCs and also they make a lot of fanart! Which. Most of the artists I watch on youtube don't do that! Kasey Golden does, and Doodle Date do (certainly fanart, less so OCs), but most of them don't do that for whatever reason or they don't create art with people in.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, except that it's been cool seeing these two drawing their OCs? (And I've been watching them both for nearly a year now, so possibly it's taken this long for their influence to seep into my brain? WHO KNOWS).

Talking of artists I follow inspiring me to do stuff: I recently started following an artist on twitter who is from Bradford, which is where I went to uni. Anyway! She does comics and stuff (she's had a book published!) and she uses dip pens for some of her inking work (she also uses Pilot G-TEC-C4 pens sometimes and they're one of my faves). She has a G nib that she uses, and it made me think that I ought to get more practised with mine. I've got a Nikko, but I don't know what make hers is, as all G nibs look alike, it turns out!

I mean, I have neglected using my dip pen of late in part because I've been feeling uncreative and also wanting to do other stuff, like painting, and lino cutting. But I bought the G nib back around Xmas time because I read somewhere that it's what most manga artists use to ink comics and I wanted to give it a go, and see what I thought. Except that I haven't really done much with it since I got it.

So perhaps it is time to do some practice! If only I liked sitting at my desk, where all my pens and inks are! (I prefer curling up on my bed or a sofa/chair, but neither of those is really a good environment in which to have an open bottle of ink).

It's nice to feel inspired! Especially since I remember this time last year, and I was feeling so mushy and uninspired, and I didn't know what to do with myself. But now I want to make stuff! And it feels great!

So these books I bought the other day. They are all about encouraging your creativity, even if you don't think you're creative. I already own a book like this, but it's aimed at kids (which isn't a bad thing! I flipping love it! It's a good book!) I originally bought it for my nephew because he likes drawing and making things. Except he never got it, because I flipped through it, and I decided I wanted it, instead.

(He did get other how to art books, though, because of course I am going to encourage his creative streak).

Anyway. The reason I kept that book, and the reason I bought these other books, instead of getting the one about watercolours I thought I might like instead, is that for literal years now, I have felt like I am very uncreative person. Like I have no ideas, and I don't know where to get them from.

This is nonsense, I know, because even in the last two years, I have drawn more than I ever drew when I was a teenager, when I used to think I drew a lot.

I realised yesterday, that this slump of feeling uninspired started in late 2015. I know this for a fact because there's several pages in the sketchbook I was using at the time, where I remember feeling like absolute rubbish, and not knowing what to draw. (It may have even started before then, but that's where I know I was feeling it for sure).

This coincided with the time I left tumblr/stopped posting there. I think this is more coincidence than it is causation, but it's still kind of interesting. It also coincided with my mum getting more ill, which I think is probably the thing at work here.

But! Although I felt like that, it wasn't until after my mum died that I ever had thoughts about giving up art altogether. Which I did, and it was the first time I'd ever considered it in my whole entire life. I still sometimes think that, but I think it less than I used to (which is good!), but I also still feel horribly uncreative, and like I'll never make anything worthwhile ever again, but I think it is going to take time to come out of this.

I'm not posting this as a plea for sympathy. It's just a thing I noticed. And also I really don't want replies saying, "but you are creative!" or "you can draw (better than me)!" because it's really not helpful. I already said I know it's nonsense, so it's not like I'm not aware that it's really just my brain being shitty with me.

Anyway, I'm drawing lots of things at the moment that don't look like anything (and that's okay*). And also trying to draw more than one thing a day, because I have some weird mental block about only using one sketchbook page or one piece of paper a day, and that's also nonsense. I don't even know where it came from, but I know it's a weird thing that's been in my head for a while.

I also realised I like drawing on 8x10 inch paper, and it's not a common paper size in the UK unless you're printing photos or writing letters for some reason. And also A5 pieces of paper, because it's taken me until late last year to realise that actually, art doesn't have to be massive in scale (not that A4 is massive, but it's also not small).

(I have a bunch of 8x10 paper because it was a more common size before I was born, and I have a bunch of paper that my mum bought that I'm now using to draw on occasionally).

So this is a bunch of words, and I don't know if any of it makes any sense. I am probably repeating a lot of it, because I feel like I've been saying stuff like this a lot recently (like, within the past year or so?) So, um, sorry if that is the case, but I was thinking about it all day yesterday, and I just wanted to get it out of my head.

Anyway, two of my new books are on the way**, as is a surprise birthday present I bought myself (it's a surprise for y'all; I know exactly what it is), and tomorrow is vaccine and Aldi! So it's not all bad!

Time to go and degunk some fountain pen nibs!

~

*I've started watching Peter Draws on youtube, and he says, "and that's okay," a heck of a lot, and I've noticed myself saying it more even though I've only been watching his stuff for two days...

**Weirdly the ones it said would take longer to ship! The one with the shortest shipping time hasn't been sent yet!

1. I woke up yesterday to discover it had snowed a fair bit! Nothing epic, but more snow than we've had all winter so far. And then it rained for most of the day, so there's still snow, but less of it than there was this time yesterday.

2. I decided against writing an angry thing about The Medium. I'm less angry about it now, though I am still angry in general at the devs for being shitty (and plagiarists! it turns out! bobvids did a video about their previous plagiarising and, while I think he was stretching on a couple of points, it's certainly an interesting watch).

3. I am going full tilt into non-representational (abstract???) art at the moment. This is nothing new, really, it comes and goes. I always feel slightly uncomfortable about it, but that's issues to do with how I think about art than anything else. But I decided a few days(?)/weeks(?)/who even knows any more! ago that I was going to embrace it and just make the stuff as long as I was enjoying it. And I am.

4. Relatedly, I am going to have a crack at acrylic paint pouring. I've been vaguely interested in it for a while, but always put off by the fact that you "need" medium and silicone oil, and the pouring medium is not cheap! Also you don't need the oil, it's only for if you want cells in your pour, and you might not want that!

But anyway, I watched a video the other day that used water and washing up liquid and worked pretty much as well! I don't know what pouring medium is made from, but you use water to let down acrylic paint anyway, so why couldn't you just use that?? And it turns out you totally can! So that's what I'm going to do, because I don't even know if I'm going to like this anyway. (I think I probably will; the only problem is space to let the paintings dry).

(You can also use PVA glue as a pouring medium, and I also have that, so that's an option too!)

5. I don't have a #5, so I'm going to go and agonise over which of these art-related books I want to buy with the remains of my Xmas money.

The UK is in lockdown again, just in case anyone doesn't know that that's happened. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

~

My art supplies arrived on Monday, and they are awesome! The only thing I haven't used yet is the printing ink and the roller, but that's because I didn't have a lino cut to ink up (I mean, I do have one, but it's not very good).

(It amuses me no end that I am actually interested in printing and yet, when I was at college, I avoided print classes altogether. I did a bit of screen printing in class, once, and then the stuff I had to do in order to get my HND, I did on my own time).

The Finetec paints I got are AMAZING. They are just as good as all the artists on youtube say they are, and I'm really glad I got them. I'm also glad I only got the two pans, as I think a set of six may have been somewhat overwhelming (weirdly).

I got softcut lino to make prints with, and it still hurts my hands to cut prints (yay arthritis!), but less so than the decidedly elderly lino I had had a go with (also hard lino is easier to cut when softer, who knew! Absolutely not me, that's who!)

~

I found somewhere that will ship sticker paper to the UK (I was going to say they were in the UK, but they're actually in Ireland, which is ABSOLUTELY NOT part of the UK, as well I know). I ordered some samples at the beginning of December, and they have still not arrived. So I put in a support ticket on the 28th, and got a pretty weak reply a few days ago saying, "well, Xmas, and Coronavirus!" which, yes, I understand, but also, IDK, update your shipping information to reflect that? (Shipping info said five to ten days for delivery to the UK).

Also: I've seen bad reviews online, and I know this isn't just an Xmas/Coronavirus thing. I assume I'd get what I wanted in a timely manner if money were involved (but it wasn't, because I wanted to try the paper out first).

They've also redone me a sample order, which includes things I didn't ask for, including paper for a laser printer. I don't own one of those.

I'm annoyed because: I've been wanting to design stickers for literal years (lack of ideas aside). Finding A4 sticker paper in the UK is like looking for hen's teeth so, understandably, I was excited when I found this company.

(I mean yes, I probably could've just got it off Amazon, but I haven't bought stuff from there for six years now, and I'm not going to do that just for sticker paper. And why buy off Amazon, when you can get stuff direct from the seller???)

~

Time for another Post Once A Day question!

forests_of_fire asked: What's your favorite season? Why?

This is really easy. My favourite season is autumn. I love it when the leaves on the trees start turning all sorts of amazing colours, and there's that crispness in the air that tells you winter is coming, but it isn't quite here yet. The best kind of autumn day is when it's cool but clear. When the leaves have fallen, and they crunch when you walk on them, and you can kick drifts of them around.

I also really like it when it's foggy, and the landscape that you know so well looks and feels strange and unfamiliar. I'm surrounded by hills, so when the fog is really dense, the hills across the valley from me vanish, and it's like they were never there. It feels strange, but I kind of like it? Also, you know, Silent Hill vibes. (Although, as I have pointed out in the past, if I were to look out and see Pyramid Head roaming around, I'd be hecking terrified).

Also also: Halloween. October is probably my second favourite month after February.

List post time!

1. I am absolutely convinced that I've learnt more about art techniques in the last two years, than I ever did in four years at art college.

This is not me hating on art colleges/schools, by the way (although I do have Opinions). I wrote a ranty post here, but it basically had no conclusion, so I've deleted it!

2. I've started waking up in the night with my hand joints hurting. Not badly, but when it's a cold night, and I turn over and move my hands, it hurts.

But I totally don't have arthritis, right? (yes, I'm still mad about that. yes, it's been two years. yes, I also know how to hold a grudge).

It's specific joints - mostly my ring and little fingers on both hands, but also my thumbs. Right is worse than left, because right's my dominant. What baffles me is how it's the fingers I use the least that are hurting (except my thumbs - I mean between playing video games and using a mobile phone, I can totally see how that happened).

3. I started learning to use gouache! I haven't used it much, but I think I may end up liking it better than watercolour. And I think I can do things with it that aren't possible for me with acrylics. Part of the reason I ever learnt to use acrylics was because I used to use watercolours really thickly, and my mum advised poster paints at first, but then acrylics. I wish she'd suggested gouache, but I don't think they were so common/affordable in the late nineties.

I'm just using a cheap set of Reeves gouache, which were my mum's originally. I also have a set of Royal & Langnickel ones that I bought two Xmasses ago and subsequently didn't touch because, as I've noted previously, I've been feeling weird about painting for some time.

4. However! I have also started doing some acrylic paintings! One is a partial skull, which was inspired by the mask I painted for Hallowe'en, and the other is one I started yesterday that's just basic flower shapes, and isn't really anything apart from practice because it's been nearly about seven years or so since I last used acrylics.

5. On Monday morning, I had to get up Very Early for a nurse appointment (nothing to worry about). By ten am, I had walked more than 6,000 steps, and my legs felt like jelly. I did a lot of sitting still for the rest of the day, because it hurt every time I moved.

On the plus side, because I was up before the sun rose, I got to see loads of Xmas lights, which made me gleeful.

6. I have to go back to work today, yippee. Well, I don't have to go today, as it's a volunteer day, but I'm going to. I need to ask my boss some things, and I'd rather do it in person than over the phone.

7. It is not quite snowing outside! (I suppose it's sleeting? It's definitely not rain out there, it's not falling in the right way).

8. Right. Time to go and get ready for work!

I haven't been posting because I've had nothing to say, and I've also been in a depressive hole, so I haven't been doing much, apart from some sewing and knitting, and, for some reason, watching Johnny and Aoife play Dark Souls 3 (I finished the DS1 playthrough a few days ago). I also plan to watch Aoife and Zoe play DS2, as they're streaming it at the moment, and I have Ian's Demon's Souls streams in my Watch Later. W T F.

ANYWAY.

Once upon a time, many moons ago, I joked to myself that if I ever got into making music, all my album covers would just be colour fields (though gradients, not flat colour) because that amused me for reasons unknown.

The joke is somewhat on me, because at that point, my most recent acrylic painting, which I never finished, was a yellow to orange gradient.

Long story short, I've spent a lot of the time since fighting myself every time I want to make patterns, or mess with colour, and I have finally stopped doing that! Which is what I've spent most of my time dinking about with lately. I don't have anything to show for it as yet, but there are things, and I am doing them, and I am enjoying myself?? (I mean, being in the depressive fug I'm in, I'm not sure I'm enjoying anything right now, but I don't feel like I'm fighting myself any more).

~

Here are a couple of Among Us streams:

Outside Xbox and Dicebreaker play Among Us

Outside Xbox, Dicebreaker, and Eurogamer play Among Us - this is one of three concurrent streams (the others are on the DB and EG channels) where they played an eight player game of Among Us. You don't have to watch all three versions, but it is fun to see or catch something you didn't the first time.

The day before yesterday, the temperature here hit 31°C and no, nope, do not want. I was kind of glad I was in work, because we have air con there, but also it still felt too warm in the building. Though obviously not as warm as outside. My sister in law picked me up from work and even walking to her car (just across the road) was A Trial. We're supposed to have warm temps (though hopefully not quite as warm) again at the end of this week and nope. Am not a fan.

~

I should stop watching videos by artists on youtube who I am old enough to be the parent of, because it's making me insecure about my everything. Though it is poking me to draw more, so that's good, I guess??? And I am drawing more now I'm not working in a sketchbook. It doesn't look like I am, but I can feel that I am, if that makes sense?

I am glad I've got back into a drawing groove, though. I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not, but it took me six months to fill my last sketchbook, where usually it takes me ~3 months. I generally use books with around 100 pages, so get through four a year, although things have been wonky since August 2018 for obvious reasons, and not so obvious reasons.

I'm sure I will sort myself out eventually.

Additionally: I found some more art from when I was 17! Because it is not all together for some daft reason. I'm going to sort it all out later today, I think.

Last time I was on here (or possibly the time before), I meant to write about sketchbooks and how I feel about them, and I forgot until after I had switched my computer off, and couldn't be arsed to switch it back on just for that.

Basically:

# I resisted using sketchbooks for a veeeeery long time, because I don't like people telling me how to do stuff.

# At the moment, I have been using sketchbooks for around fifteen years, and more frequently because of when I was at college, and we "had" to use one each year then.

# most of my sketchbooks have not been "proper" sketchbooks (i.e. with decent weight paper in - say 140 GSM and above), they have been notebooks with thin printer type paper in and all the whatevers that come with that.

# when I started drawing again two years ago, I was using plain paper from refill pads more than I was my sketchbook. My Inktober stuff from last year is all on printer paper, glued into a sketchbook!

# conclusion: I'm p much done with my most recent sketchbook (which has taken me half a year to fill Because Reasons), so I bought a ream of paper (I needed more printer paper anyway) and some plastic pockets and I'm pretty much going to just draw on paper for the foreseeable!

It's easier, it's what I've done most of my life anyway, and WHY THE HECK NOT, RIGHT.

# I've still got sketchbooks with "nice" paper (150 GSM+), but I'll probably use them for paint/other media tests as obviously printer paper isn't going to cut it for that.

I think this is the net result of discovering that A4 sketchbooks are a hecking inconvenience and that I just want to do what's best for me. It's nice to have nice stuff, but I am really bloody basic when it comes down to it.

I think also this is part of some wider thing I want to say about art supplies that I think about off and on, but can't think how to word a lot of the time. I may have to give it some more thought, esp now I've got a bit more free time again.

~

I am going to visit my brother and sister in law later today! I got a text asking if I wanted to come for a visit, so obviously I said yes.

I am a little bit leery about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine. My brother and nephew came to visit ~two weeks ago, and that was okay, so I don't see why this shouldn't be.

My nephew is currently playing LoZ: Twilight Princess on his Wii, and last I heard he was stuck, so I might see if I can help him with that! (My record with Zelda games is Not Great, but we might figure out something between us).

(Talking of Zelda games - I had to rebuy myself an A/V cable for my GameCube, as the old one has vanished - and it came, and the GC stills works so NOW I can relive my Majora's Mask nightmares! Though I did think about seeing if I could find a copy of Wind Waker since maybe that would be less traumatic, heh).

I am also going to ask for my sewing machine back while I am there because, while I haven't needed it for anything lately, it would be nice to have it if I get the urge to make something that requires it.