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Entry tags:
mumblings
So these books I bought the other day. They are all about encouraging your creativity, even if you don't think you're creative. I already own a book like this, but it's aimed at kids (which isn't a bad thing! I flipping love it! It's a good book!) I originally bought it for my nephew because he likes drawing and making things. Except he never got it, because I flipped through it, and I decided I wanted it, instead.
(He did get other how to art books, though, because of course I am going to encourage his creative streak).
Anyway. The reason I kept that book, and the reason I bought these other books, instead of getting the one about watercolours I thought I might like instead, is that for literal years now, I have felt like I am very uncreative person. Like I have no ideas, and I don't know where to get them from.
This is nonsense, I know, because even in the last two years, I have drawn more than I ever drew when I was a teenager, when I used to think I drew a lot.
I realised yesterday, that this slump of feeling uninspired started in late 2015. I know this for a fact because there's several pages in the sketchbook I was using at the time, where I remember feeling like absolute rubbish, and not knowing what to draw. (It may have even started before then, but that's where I know I was feeling it for sure).
This coincided with the time I left tumblr/stopped posting there. I think this is more coincidence than it is causation, but it's still kind of interesting. It also coincided with my mum getting more ill, which I think is probably the thing at work here.
But! Although I felt like that, it wasn't until after my mum died that I ever had thoughts about giving up art altogether. Which I did, and it was the first time I'd ever considered it in my whole entire life. I still sometimes think that, but I think it less than I used to (which is good!), but I also still feel horribly uncreative, and like I'll never make anything worthwhile ever again, but I think it is going to take time to come out of this.
I'm not posting this as a plea for sympathy. It's just a thing I noticed. And also I really don't want replies saying, "but you are creative!" or "you can draw (better than me)!" because it's really not helpful. I already said I know it's nonsense, so it's not like I'm not aware that it's really just my brain being shitty with me.
Anyway, I'm drawing lots of things at the moment that don't look like anything (and that's okay*). And also trying to draw more than one thing a day, because I have some weird mental block about only using one sketchbook page or one piece of paper a day, and that's also nonsense. I don't even know where it came from, but I know it's a weird thing that's been in my head for a while.
I also realised I like drawing on 8x10 inch paper, and it's not a common paper size in the UK unless you're printing photos or writing letters for some reason. And also A5 pieces of paper, because it's taken me until late last year to realise that actually, art doesn't have to be massive in scale (not that A4 is massive, but it's also not small).
(I have a bunch of 8x10 paper because it was a more common size before I was born, and I have a bunch of paper that my mum bought that I'm now using to draw on occasionally).
So this is a bunch of words, and I don't know if any of it makes any sense. I am probably repeating a lot of it, because I feel like I've been saying stuff like this a lot recently (like, within the past year or so?) So, um, sorry if that is the case, but I was thinking about it all day yesterday, and I just wanted to get it out of my head.
Anyway, two of my new books are on the way**, as is a surprise birthday present I bought myself (it's a surprise for y'all; I know exactly what it is), and tomorrow is vaccine and Aldi! So it's not all bad!
Time to go and degunk some fountain pen nibs!
~
*I've started watching Peter Draws on youtube, and he says, "and that's okay," a heck of a lot, and I've noticed myself saying it more even though I've only been watching his stuff for two days...
**Weirdly the ones it said would take longer to ship! The one with the shortest shipping time hasn't been sent yet!
(He did get other how to art books, though, because of course I am going to encourage his creative streak).
Anyway. The reason I kept that book, and the reason I bought these other books, instead of getting the one about watercolours I thought I might like instead, is that for literal years now, I have felt like I am very uncreative person. Like I have no ideas, and I don't know where to get them from.
This is nonsense, I know, because even in the last two years, I have drawn more than I ever drew when I was a teenager, when I used to think I drew a lot.
I realised yesterday, that this slump of feeling uninspired started in late 2015. I know this for a fact because there's several pages in the sketchbook I was using at the time, where I remember feeling like absolute rubbish, and not knowing what to draw. (It may have even started before then, but that's where I know I was feeling it for sure).
This coincided with the time I left tumblr/stopped posting there. I think this is more coincidence than it is causation, but it's still kind of interesting. It also coincided with my mum getting more ill, which I think is probably the thing at work here.
But! Although I felt like that, it wasn't until after my mum died that I ever had thoughts about giving up art altogether. Which I did, and it was the first time I'd ever considered it in my whole entire life. I still sometimes think that, but I think it less than I used to (which is good!), but I also still feel horribly uncreative, and like I'll never make anything worthwhile ever again, but I think it is going to take time to come out of this.
I'm not posting this as a plea for sympathy. It's just a thing I noticed. And also I really don't want replies saying, "but you are creative!" or "you can draw (better than me)!" because it's really not helpful. I already said I know it's nonsense, so it's not like I'm not aware that it's really just my brain being shitty with me.
Anyway, I'm drawing lots of things at the moment that don't look like anything (and that's okay*). And also trying to draw more than one thing a day, because I have some weird mental block about only using one sketchbook page or one piece of paper a day, and that's also nonsense. I don't even know where it came from, but I know it's a weird thing that's been in my head for a while.
I also realised I like drawing on 8x10 inch paper, and it's not a common paper size in the UK unless you're printing photos or writing letters for some reason. And also A5 pieces of paper, because it's taken me until late last year to realise that actually, art doesn't have to be massive in scale (not that A4 is massive, but it's also not small).
(I have a bunch of 8x10 paper because it was a more common size before I was born, and I have a bunch of paper that my mum bought that I'm now using to draw on occasionally).
So this is a bunch of words, and I don't know if any of it makes any sense. I am probably repeating a lot of it, because I feel like I've been saying stuff like this a lot recently (like, within the past year or so?) So, um, sorry if that is the case, but I was thinking about it all day yesterday, and I just wanted to get it out of my head.
Anyway, two of my new books are on the way**, as is a surprise birthday present I bought myself (it's a surprise for y'all; I know exactly what it is), and tomorrow is vaccine and Aldi! So it's not all bad!
Time to go and degunk some fountain pen nibs!
~
*I've started watching Peter Draws on youtube, and he says, "and that's okay," a heck of a lot, and I've noticed myself saying it more even though I've only been watching his stuff for two days...
**Weirdly the ones it said would take longer to ship! The one with the shortest shipping time hasn't been sent yet!