So I totally flaked out today. And by flaked out I mean I smoked a lot and I burst into tears. Repeatedly. Although at home, but almost at work, too.
What is this, I don't even.
(Well, I do. But this is not fucking fair. This happened at my last job, and I didn't mind because while I was good at it, I hated the place. This job I love, and I mind an awful lot. Which then leads to a whole lot of "Why can't I just be normal?" and then I start wondering what the hell normal is, anyway.
WHATEVER. I'm going to talk to the boss tomorrow about my inadequacy issues (because that's partly where this started); I'm going for a medication review with the doctor (because it must be three years since I started on mirtazapine, and now I'm not seeing the shrink); and I am going to see the practice nurse about my PMS (because I'm not quite suicidal once a month*, but I may as well be - I'm also going to tell her that progesterone is not my friend, and I have no wish to play pharmaceutical roulette with my hormones any more).
So it's not like I'm going to sit here and let it take me over and do nothing. Even though really that's all I want to do. Well, that and get well and truly wasted. Which is not good. Last time I felt like this I was at uni (so a good six years ago!), and I did get wasted, and bad stuff happened. SO. Good job I never got around to getting ID, really**.
That's all I've got for now. Maybe icons tomorrow to distract myself because god knows I need it right now.
~*~
*Although fuck. I don't even want to know what feeling suicidal feels like because being this raw and hurting so much is not fun, so feeling worse than this? Yeah.
**I'm nearly THIRTY. I shouldn't need it. Point is, though, that therefore buying alcohol will be a challenge, and it's one I don't want at the moment.
What is this, I don't even.
(Well, I do. But this is not fucking fair. This happened at my last job, and I didn't mind because while I was good at it, I hated the place. This job I love, and I mind an awful lot. Which then leads to a whole lot of "Why can't I just be normal?" and then I start wondering what the hell normal is, anyway.
WHATEVER. I'm going to talk to the boss tomorrow about my inadequacy issues (because that's partly where this started); I'm going for a medication review with the doctor (because it must be three years since I started on mirtazapine, and now I'm not seeing the shrink); and I am going to see the practice nurse about my PMS (because I'm not quite suicidal once a month*, but I may as well be - I'm also going to tell her that progesterone is not my friend, and I have no wish to play pharmaceutical roulette with my hormones any more).
So it's not like I'm going to sit here and let it take me over and do nothing. Even though really that's all I want to do. Well, that and get well and truly wasted. Which is not good. Last time I felt like this I was at uni (so a good six years ago!), and I did get wasted, and bad stuff happened. SO. Good job I never got around to getting ID, really**.
That's all I've got for now. Maybe icons tomorrow to distract myself because god knows I need it right now.
~*~
*Although fuck. I don't even want to know what feeling suicidal feels like because being this raw and hurting so much is not fun, so feeling worse than this? Yeah.
**I'm nearly THIRTY. I shouldn't need it. Point is, though, that therefore buying alcohol will be a challenge, and it's one I don't want at the moment.