look around here and you'll see nothing is very real

I have spent most of this week hanging around waiting for stuff to happen. I do not feel like I have done any "proper" work (which is ridiculous, frankly).

I also feel like a total piece of shit right now, but hopefully that will be fixed by a good night's sleep where I don't wake up at 4am and am awake for what feels like an hour afterwards.

(It was also very fucking cold last night, and today, and that is not on! It's September! It should be warm(er) and...I should not feel like it's the middle of fucking winter).

~*~

I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon, and aside from her usual disparaging remarks about the inside of my mouth (it's not that bad! At least, I don't think so, and I'm the one who has to live with it), she said if I didn't stop smoking, apparently it will kill me.

Yes, you read that right. Smoking kills.

Not for the usual reasons, like emphysema or COPD. But because I have a gum disease of some description and eventually my teeth are going to fall out and I'll get an infection in my bones and it'll spread to my blood and so on. And then I will die.

(The disease, whatever it is, is exacerbated by smoking - basically my gums won't heal until I stop).

Let me state right here that I don't want to die. I also don't want my teeth to fall out. So I am going to try my damndest to give up within the next six months.

Of course that bummed me out yesterday (and it's continued to today), and I went home and ate loads of sweets to make me feel better (they didn't really, but what can you do? I don't comfort eat often).

~*~

I got re-prescribed Prozac t'other day.

I was not looking forward to it, since last time I took it, it did fuck all for me (and was one of the 2 things that made me think SSRIs are not my friend). I've been on it for five days and...aside from gritting my teeth like it's going out of fashion, I've been buzzing. I feel so awake. Like I just woke up from five years' sleep.

I'm pretty sure it's not actually healthy, since I am literally bouncing off the walls. I also don't want to really eat (people even mentioning food is making me feel queasy). It could just be withdrawal from mirtazapine (both things), but if it continues, I'm going back to the doctor to get something else instead.

~*~

I found that cummings poem in the end (yay books, since the internet still fails), and I was going to post it, but it seems at odds with bad news and drugs roulette, so...yeah. Tomorrow maybe.