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So a thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is that how, a year ago, I almost gave up doing art FOR GOOD.
I hadn't drawn in almost three months, and found it extremely hard to find the motivation to start again. This was obviously partly because I was grieving, although obviously I didn't realise it at the time.
But I was, I was going to get rid of pretty much all the art supplies in the house (between me and mum, there's A LOT, so it would've taken some doing). I didn't even stop to think about what I'd do instead (more on that in a moment).
It wasn't that I didn't want to draw, or paint, or whatever, it was literally that I didn't know how to get myself started again.
I ended up googling "what to do if you are unhappy with your art" (or similar) and I read some reddit/other website threads that made me cry because there were some people in exactly the same place as me, and it upset me that we all felt like this and didn't know what to do to fix it.
And then, I don't know how, I ended up watching this video by Makoccino*. She says something in it about how you should have fun doing art, and the most important thing is to enjoy yourself (I'm paraphrasing - it's been nearly a year since I watched it). And I thought yes, this is true! (and then I fell into watching art videos on youtube and haven't stopped since).
So I thought, I'm going to do what I did with reading**, and con myself into doing something artistic, even if it was only for ten minutes a day. Which is what I did, and now I am drawing or painting or whatever for more than ten minutes a day, and it's great!
HOWEVER. Until very recently, it felt like trying to push out a turd when you're constipated. This is how I described it to my sister in law. But then I did some art one day***, and I enjoyed it and suddenly it was like everything was mostly okay again.
I still think I am mostly unhappy with my art, and I need to improve, but I have the time to do that now. I still feel weird about some stuff, like using stuff that was mum's, but that's just because, well, brains, you know?
I think about this, off and on, and several times since October last year, I've thought about giving up entirely again, although it hasn't happened for a few months now. But yeah, one thing I've started thinking about when these thoughts cross my mind is what I'd do if I didn't make art and you know what? I don't fucking know! Like, there are some other things, like writing, or playing vidya, but I've been stunted on the writing front for who knows how long, and I'm not one of those people who can or wants to play video games all day.
One thing I distinctly remember was several days of watching episodes of the Simpsons for three hours because I had nothing else I wanted to do. Or binge watching Outside Xbox's back catalogue on youtube for the same reason. And I just. Did not enjoy that. Well, I obviously enjoyed Oxbox enough to carry on watching it, because I'm still watching it now, but you know what I mean? (I only don't watch the Simpsons now because I don't have a Sky box/TV license any more. And there's only so much of it I can take after a while).
It kind of terrifies that me that I don't know what I'd do if I didn't do art (or other creative ventures).
This has happened before - back at the end of 2004, I didn't draw for three months then. I was in a really shitty place mentally, and although I wanted to, I just couldn't make myself do it. That was how I ended up at art college (though I wish I'd quit and not done the HND, but that is a whole other kettle of fish). But at that time, I didn't think about giving up art entirely. Truthfully, I don't know now how I felt about it, because it's so long ago now, but I do know I didn't once think about giving up for good, like I did this time. I probably only did this time because I'd been so unsatisfied, and I wasn't enjoying myself to begin with.
But I feel better about art now, so hopefully I will continue to feel this way, and improve!
I don't really have a conclusion to this (I never do, when will I learn!) It was just something that had been on my mind that I wanted to talk about/record, especially as it is coming up to a year since I started drawing again.
~
*a video of hers comes up if you google "unhappy with your art", so I can only assume that was how I found her!
**Not that it really worked with that, but eh, you can't win 'em all.
***A random demon, if anyone's interested.
I hadn't drawn in almost three months, and found it extremely hard to find the motivation to start again. This was obviously partly because I was grieving, although obviously I didn't realise it at the time.
But I was, I was going to get rid of pretty much all the art supplies in the house (between me and mum, there's A LOT, so it would've taken some doing). I didn't even stop to think about what I'd do instead (more on that in a moment).
It wasn't that I didn't want to draw, or paint, or whatever, it was literally that I didn't know how to get myself started again.
I ended up googling "what to do if you are unhappy with your art" (or similar) and I read some reddit/other website threads that made me cry because there were some people in exactly the same place as me, and it upset me that we all felt like this and didn't know what to do to fix it.
And then, I don't know how, I ended up watching this video by Makoccino*. She says something in it about how you should have fun doing art, and the most important thing is to enjoy yourself (I'm paraphrasing - it's been nearly a year since I watched it). And I thought yes, this is true! (and then I fell into watching art videos on youtube and haven't stopped since).
So I thought, I'm going to do what I did with reading**, and con myself into doing something artistic, even if it was only for ten minutes a day. Which is what I did, and now I am drawing or painting or whatever for more than ten minutes a day, and it's great!
HOWEVER. Until very recently, it felt like trying to push out a turd when you're constipated. This is how I described it to my sister in law. But then I did some art one day***, and I enjoyed it and suddenly it was like everything was mostly okay again.
I still think I am mostly unhappy with my art, and I need to improve, but I have the time to do that now. I still feel weird about some stuff, like using stuff that was mum's, but that's just because, well, brains, you know?
I think about this, off and on, and several times since October last year, I've thought about giving up entirely again, although it hasn't happened for a few months now. But yeah, one thing I've started thinking about when these thoughts cross my mind is what I'd do if I didn't make art and you know what? I don't fucking know! Like, there are some other things, like writing, or playing vidya, but I've been stunted on the writing front for who knows how long, and I'm not one of those people who can or wants to play video games all day.
One thing I distinctly remember was several days of watching episodes of the Simpsons for three hours because I had nothing else I wanted to do. Or binge watching Outside Xbox's back catalogue on youtube for the same reason. And I just. Did not enjoy that. Well, I obviously enjoyed Oxbox enough to carry on watching it, because I'm still watching it now, but you know what I mean? (I only don't watch the Simpsons now because I don't have a Sky box/TV license any more. And there's only so much of it I can take after a while).
It kind of terrifies that me that I don't know what I'd do if I didn't do art (or other creative ventures).
This has happened before - back at the end of 2004, I didn't draw for three months then. I was in a really shitty place mentally, and although I wanted to, I just couldn't make myself do it. That was how I ended up at art college (though I wish I'd quit and not done the HND, but that is a whole other kettle of fish). But at that time, I didn't think about giving up art entirely. Truthfully, I don't know now how I felt about it, because it's so long ago now, but I do know I didn't once think about giving up for good, like I did this time. I probably only did this time because I'd been so unsatisfied, and I wasn't enjoying myself to begin with.
But I feel better about art now, so hopefully I will continue to feel this way, and improve!
I don't really have a conclusion to this (I never do, when will I learn!) It was just something that had been on my mind that I wanted to talk about/record, especially as it is coming up to a year since I started drawing again.
~
*a video of hers comes up if you google "unhappy with your art", so I can only assume that was how I found her!
**Not that it really worked with that, but eh, you can't win 'em all.
***A random demon, if anyone's interested.